when summer meets seth

farn locksley

2008-10-27T17:04:00.003+08:00

and the heart beats fast at every thought of u. ive been thinking a lot about you. about us. and im pretty much unsure of what i want. i dont want you to end up like all the boys that ive dated, if one day it is over. i just want you to be so much more. even though...

dear mr rockstar

2008-10-20T11:36:00.004+08:00

i can always think of the times when you hurt me just to forget you, or read that particular mail over and over again. but at the end of the day, i`ll end up missing or wishing that you acknowledge me. how did things end up this way? the day you went away, my life turn a whole 180 degrees. things have never been the same. self-distructing? i no longer am able to pinpoint all the blame to you. and to this day, i am still seeking the answers.

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on
with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend
I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

i love you seth.

2008-10-13T12:09:00.002+08:00

i woke up today breathing fresh new air. i felt good because i woke up today with thoughts of better days that will come. i woke up today thinking how my parents love seth, and how much im beginning to love him for the way he is. i woke up today feeling blessed because it seemed that amidst the dark clouds that overcast my life the past few days, my future seems brighter than ever. ive been worrying too much about what is going to happen five years down the road that ive actually ignored my tomorrows. one step at a time, that is all that matters. i worried so much about how people think, talk, bitch about me that ive forgotten the real me. and i thanked god for allowing me to meet seth. he may not be a somebody now, but i know we`ll helped each other through for now. i love you seth.

amin.

-

2008-10-11T13:15:00.000+08:00

im really beginning to hate boys.

-

2008-10-04T14:50:00.004+08:00

ive never been more confused in my life, never about guys. it has always been i get attached and i stay attached until shit happens and i leave. no hanging around, because i hate to be in a game i know i`ll end up losing. yes, my name is already tarnished, but i dont really care. i want to be selfish now. i know i dont have to stay, not for anyone in particular because i dont owe them a living, but why the hell am i still here.

i want to be a smart beautiful elegant and successful lady, and i know, a man will not help me achieve this goal.

2008-09-28T14:10:00.000+08:00

oh how i hate this me.

shit and whats not.

2008-09-25T00:14:00.003+08:00

i really need a break. all this controversial issues, and making me feeling oh-so-guilty over nothing. people need to realise, i dont owe them a living, neither do i owe them my life.

get a grip girl.

-

2008-09-19T15:46:00.000+08:00

dear god, please keep those around me safe.

thank god

2008-09-16T11:37:00.003+08:00

every meet up always leave us feeling restless and breathless. what started out as a meeting to go for a job interview, ended up as a random journey to town, to drink bubbletea in the middle of the afternoon,a surprised walk to paragon only to discover that Ben Sherman boutique has yet to be opened. but boy was i overjoyed to see pretty models of yves saint lauren having a photoshoot. dang, i just have this fetish for long lengs. strolled down back to carpark after breaking fast at ayam penyet ria. and had our usual dosage of movie watching at yishun dam.

i realised that the process of loving and trusting another does take time. patience is a virtue, and that each time i tell this scarred little girl to give herself another chance, i learned that love itself differs from man to man. the way we show or shower the other half will definitely change from one person to another.

Seth Cohen:

i could not ask for anythin else. All i want is you.

man, only appreciates those precious things when they are already gone. and all i can say is, isnt it a tad too late if you want to ask for my time, because i remembered, months ago, i had to cry to seek a lil bit of your attention, mr rockstar.

mr rockstar: do you think we can still go out together and stuff?
mr rockstar: like hang out n stuffs, spend time together
farhana: its too late. for everything, or anything

dear mr rockstar,
it was never a misunderstanding. i believed it is clear that action speaks louder than words, and no matter how many words are uttered, i think you have made your stand clear right from the beginning with the way you treated/mistreated me. i can never be an equal to your friends. even months after the relationship was left hanging, i remembered clearly begging, crying, whining for any last bit of attention that you could have spared to me, but you decided to prolonged your egocentric behaviour.you even said that this is all too much of a drama, yet you being the star, you refused to come back. yes, i am afterall farhana, just a girl that you could have picked on the street, but i stripped myself off my dignity and swallowed my pride, trying every last bit to hold on to what was left. remember a year ago, i sprouted this - "boys like you make girls like me feel like we are not or never will be good enough for you" and during that cathartic period, i did feel that way. why did i feel so shitty when i didnt even do anything wrong. but now i realised, "the loss was never on my part". in order to have you back in my life, i said "ok, you dont have to be nice to me, and to be manja with me." i thought i could push everything away, my life, friends, parents, and best of all, change my lifestyle because you thought it was inappropriate for you to go out with someone who always party and that i wasnt right for your future. then i realised, why do all that? "you let me go when i was at my lowest point. if you couldnt handle me when i was at my worst, what more when im happy, up and about. you only came back when things starting fitting back into the right places." god told me, move on. and ive moved on finally.

i am loved, once again.

sigh

2008-09-15T23:57:00.004+08:00

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself.. and that's a long process.
-John Cusack

today was such a let down. well, i guess that is what you get when you dont really think through the details. i mean, after all, who am i. love is a mystery. and life itself, never fails to surprise me.

but you promised anyway. sigh

goodnight world

i have a bf yo`

2008-09-14T23:39:00.002+08:00

mama keeps telling papa that i have an ITALIAN BOYFRIEND. no my boyfriend is not italian. and he is not fauzi. he is fozellie.

F-O-Z-E-L-L-I-E. =D

now that the cat is out of the bag, it means i have to work even harder to keep my grades up, i cant trip this time. or things will just go haywire now. like i said, the more i want to party, the more i should work hard.

just one simple rule farhana. work hard, play hard.

boyfriend pls come back now. studying english is boring. definitely boring.

<3

2008-09-14T05:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Summer,

I love you. I love every little thing about you. I love your cute smile, your magical eyes, and the sound of your voice. I love your gentle touch, and I love the warmth I feel when I’m by your side. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you.

Love Always,
Seth

-_-

2008-09-13T16:54:00.002+08:00

im meeting the family tonight. i can feel the jitters already. will be back for more update. so stay tuned. =D

of love and lust

2008-09-10T01:59:00.000+08:00

when time catches up on man, changes within may affect another. when love gets the better of man, they never care to weigh the outcome of their decision. when lust overpowers emotions, man evolves into an animal.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

-leona lewis

i need a man who is not afraid to show that he is in love with me. the same man who doesnt change into a whole different person when he is around his friends and who is not ashamed to hold my hands or hug me in the presence of others. i need a man, who doesnt stereotype my friends no matter what my friends are like, saying that my friend can offer her tits, just a man who respect others will be enough. most importantly i need a man who can be as nice as when we`re in bed, not just when he needs to feel satisfied.

i need a man who will trade the whole world just to see me smile forever, because that's what i did, for i put my life on the line, just to ensure he has someone to call a gf.

i pray you all the best nashrun. im sorry, i cant keep up with this game any longer. my emotions and tears, they are running out, almost dried.

less than 3.

2008-09-10T01:35:00.001+08:00

(12:47 AM) GOLDEN TOUCH: pen faen khap phom dai mai?

and there it goes.

amour and faith did come back afterall.

no money no honey

2008-09-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

Money is the root of all evil. that is why humans lie rob steal cheat trick and even kill to attain wealth. but if one is to possess so much richness, would it bring happiness ultimately? money is one of the many reasons as to why families are torn apart. they scream at each other, accuse one another of things they know the other party wouldnt do, and even ignore loved ones. why, because of money. why why why. have i not given enough? do i even have to pay for my own solitary space? would a minute of my own cost so much?

but right now, im so sick of everything, i could even go steal a money plant.

down she goes.

2008-09-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

the school took away what matters to me most now. i was a brave young soul today. i could have cried buckets of tears but i just swallowed everything like nothing happened. it was like dejavu. only this time, i didnt knew where ive gone wrong. and best still, im certain i didnt even commit anything wrong.

but the words of a female student kept ringing in my ears, "she has no experience what". does it really matter that im an untrained relief teacher, because at the end of the day, i still give my best shot. ive had sleepless nights, worrying, struggling, rushing, and this is what came to me at the end. does it make one feel good when he or she makes other feel like shit. why did i even allow an ingrate to trouble my already dysfunctional mind?

sigh

2008-09-06T02:24:00.003+08:00

i miss mr seth. it was an awfully quiet day, to the point i got irritated a bit. i dont want to have to feel this way, to be hoping for somebody's msges or calls, because i dont want to see myself as being weak. ive built and programmed myself over the 4 years to be less dependent on men, but ive got to admit, the defence mechanism is finally giving way. i am scared.

first buka.

2008-09-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

i had the sudden urge to meet him. dont ask me why. maybe it was the smile. or the eyes. or the curls. hmm. or maybe everything diffused into one. ahh, i just miss the man.

so we headed to tong seng to break fast just because i was craving for my prawn noodles. and we headed to yishun dam to chill to conclude the night. i think readers who read this blog would definitely find it a ridiculous thing to do. spending almost an hour journey to bugis to eat and then spending almost another hour back. haha. but all is fine when he is around. and before heading back hm, we headed to kinokuniya to check out his graphic novels and also those toys at the comic shop. i simply find it adorable to look at a 23 year old man who is so into this thing. wait, let me correct that. maybe i just find him too adorable. ive never seen so much enthusiasm in someone. and its just too bad he couldnt get those eclairs from beard papa, cos its effing good.

and we headed to yishun dam to pass the night away. two good things did happened to night, and i so feel good about it.

no. farhana didnt get kissed by seth on the nose. haha!

shy farhana fed her seth and got fed by him after days of dodging this particular incident
farhana got kissed on her right hand and left cheek

dear god, please let everything turn out fine. im all smiles around him. this could really be something new. the vast difference could do some good to me and i know i need this. i really have faith this time. for once. faith came back.

second movie with seth

2008-09-01T01:11:00.013+08:00

so it seems like sunday is now a routine meet up with mr seth. =D im cool. i wanted to make up to him for missing yesterday's partying session. so we rushed down to orchard with hope of filling our tummies with taco bell, the delicious melted cheese fries and the crunchy tacos (*pls drool). ahah. *insert anti-climax music from this point. yes. much to our disappointment, there aint no taco bell anymore at shawhouse. so the nearest one was city hall. we decided to give that a miss. took a stroll down to takashimaya to get our doraemon food and also brownie.

s: you know the japanese kueh. you like it?
f: yeah. i like the cheese one. the kueh doraemon right.
s: ehh same uhh.

(ok, the line has become so common already ok) haha. yes. its really funny cos ive been hearing that too often. it seemed like we have too much in common. *flys to cloud nine =D

as we stepped into the foodmarket at b1 takashimaya..

s: oooo. brownies.
f: yeahh (and stares at the donuts)
s: eh, dont tell me you like donutes too.
f: ehh same uhh.

(haha) funny right.

so then we strolled down to dhoby ghaut while munching on our treats but god decided to play a prank on us. it started to drizzle and then it rained heavily. i insisted on taking a cab to the cathay but seth won in the end. we trained to dhoby ghaut and much to our amazement, there was not an inch of raindrop over at dhoby ghaut. weird. so guess what. in the end we caught..

yeah yeah. we watched star wars the clone wars. i admit i am not a sci-fi addict. so this is my first star wars movie. ahah. and i must say its pretty interesting. maybe because its animated. i so love ahsoka. cute or wat, the face like a pussycat. and yes in the midst of the movie i have to keep asking seth questions, because i am so lost. and no, i cant imagine watching the human figures one. whats more, the man has 6 in all. he has the whole collection!

and to pass the time, we had our dinner and played arcade games. i lost. which is so unfair. grr. both in tekken and time crisis. never mind.

after the movie, we took a stroll down to suntec city.

puppy-eyed boy at starbucks aww

snapped pictures at the chopsticks memorial. and decided to cab back. imagine the horror of having to walk from raffles city till mos just to get a cab.

amidst the frustration of many failed attempts to get a cab

and it took an hour plus before a kind uncle decided to pick us up. i almost went crazy. wahhhhhhhh. farhana sure had a good walking exercise tonight. =D

dear nashrun

2008-08-25T13:04:00.001+08:00

today is the 25th of august. if you would have remembered, this is the moment where you said that you were just waiting for the time for me to go to msn, this is the period of time where i guessed we were just waiting for our fates to collide with one another. tomorrow will be the 26th of august, the first time we would chat on msn and thereafter, our lives intertwined. a year ago. hmm. i still keep our chat logs. every single conversations, every word typed, and when i read them i will definitely shed a tear nonetheless.

a year. how time passed by so fast, and i still find this unbelieveable. the way i had to beg you for your return, how i stoop that low and brush aside my ego, just to seek for your attention for a minute second. you know how hard it is for me to say sorry even in times of my mistakes, but why do i do this now? apologising when it was not my fault? if having to "buy" your attention and care is called love, maybe falling in love is indeed foolish.

ive been thinking hard since saturday, in solitrary silence, i prayed and questioned god, if my fate was with you, if i would end up marrying and carrying your child despite our family dispute, and god left me alone still. i am troubled but if my troubles will make you run away again, then i rather bottled them up to myself. and it seems like you only want to be around me once again for what i have now, and not for who i am.

i believe we still have to fill the big gaping hole in between us even before we can finally say we want to be together. and i know you will agree too. or maybe, you just dont want it anymore. so if that is true, pls tell me. so i dont keep living in a world of denial.

dear god, tell me what is love, because ive been blinded once. once bitten twice shy.

1st Date with seth

2008-08-25T02:31:00.000+08:00

dear god.

2008-08-20T23:45:00.000+08:00

dear god, a mere human being can only take so much, and feel so much. how far more am i supposed to go. isnt it time that i see the light at the end of the journey. isnt it only fair for me to experience happiness once again, at least for longer time frames. dear god, i dislike the tests that you`re putting me through, because i dont want to fail anymore. having gone through it, i know how much it affected me, let alone others who claimed they cared for me. i need time to adapt, so please dont rush me with all these problems that you are throwing at me. im no miracle maker, i cannot come up with solutions just by a snap of the fingers. and yes dear god, i admit, i am exhausted. very exhausted.

dear god, i cant be everything else except for just a mere human being.

educating

2008-08-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

at the end of the day, im honestly glad that i have to wake up early every morning, because i get to see the kids faces. no matter how tired, worried and fucked up they can make me feel, at the end of the day, im happy hearing them calling my name. maybe this is the joy of educating. the rocky road yet at the same time, one can feel so at home.

i love you kids.

cylde to bonnie

2008-08-11T14:14:00.000+08:00

Actually, wad u say just nw struck me, and it struck me hard.. we're nt even together, why act lyke one? With the fightings and stuffs.. b, i undastand it all now.
10/08/08 15:20:38

Tat i cnt bear to lose u la piglete. Mwuah bite bite bite
10/08/08 15:22:34

1 green bottle

2008-08-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

and suddenly i just had the urge to go for a drink. thank u "dm", "principal" & beloved "om" for the chillout session. kekek or what. and with heineken around, all the problems seemed to disappear into thin air. im a satisfied little girl as for now.

and apologies to those i didnt meet in the end. i just wasnt myself and i needed my space.

tag

2008-08-08T10:27:00.000+08:00

so much to say.

i dont think its nice to shout to people on the phone. i know you read my blog so ya. i hope you get it. i dont owe you anything and seriously, guys who act all indifferent towards girls in front of their friends are such big turn offs. no. i dont care if you like me or dont like me, i still think i deserve the respect as a friend at the very least. i can be so loud all the time, but this loud attitude is way different compared to the rude attitude you`re putting on, which by the way u think is super cool. whatever with a capital W. and again, im sorry to say this, even if one day i was to just walk away, then its never a loss to me to lose this friendship.

i thought i had you all along. and im just waiting patiently for that time where i want you so so much. i always tell myself im so comfortable in this state of ours. maybe because despite the fact we`re acting like we`re together, the official statement is not there. maybe thats what makes the both of us feel like we dont have to committed to anything. but i guess i rather be alone and not feeling anything. its scary because i was so damn pissed when you didnt call back. not the first, not the second, not the third. and i really feel like you only want me to be there with you at certain point of time. ok. i get it. gosh. pls dun tell me im falling for you.

ya im crapping again, but i guess this is how i want my life to be. not committed to anyone. because i cant. after nashrun. its like the final blow. and i tot i could like mr cinderella, but maybe no. we`re only at this stage, and im already feeling scared. i just dun want to spoil the relationship that we started with. i dunno. there's so many blank spaces between us. sigh.

no offence but i think Dbl O's range of r&b music really sucks. half the time i was not dancing, and i occupied myself by walking around looking for my friends. yet again, the company was awesome. thanks to muther, yana mummi and bf, nasrull and his bunch of friends, hakeem and the rest of people who happened to say hello. i was basically people hopping the whole night and it is really shocking to meet all those people from the past.

once a mat will always be a mat. i had a good time with nas, maybe because i miss campha so much and the fact that i cant be trance-ing in front and around the fire with him and joel and rashid anymore. and ive never bitch so much in one night, especially about two-faced hypocrite. baik or what. we really make good gay and lesbian's partners with all our weird dance moves on the podium. =D

and of all people to meet, i had to meet ALIFF!! i bet Fathiyah would be so damn glad if she was in my shoes. =D

yesterday night happened to be quite awkward too.

meeting johnny and nazwan (nash's gotham brothers)
meeting alfonso ( nash's buddy)
meeting awul (nash's younger brother!!)

haha. but i think they are super nice people to say hello and catch up on things. im not a flirt because i believe i have every right to be seen with anyone or to be in such a place when nash is in camp. seriously but i guess all of them knew it already. see nash, it doesnt really matter anymore right. like i said, no matter how many times you say you`re still trying to find me, youve got to be honest with yourself. the question is, how much effort would you put in to find me or best still, do u honestly even want to do it? it amazes me how i get all the inspirations and answers in all the weird places. first it was paul van dyke at zouk. september 2007. less than a year, yesterday night was like a closure for both nash and myself. its gonna be weird, but i still love his family all the same.

how apt. every single word in the song. and its really a pity to have to be the one going through all this. and i thought we had everything going on for us. so much for all the promises not to let go and i still remember every word or promise you made. everything. again, when finally you bare everything for the one you truly love, he again, pits ur weakness against you.

im a happy person

2008-08-07T15:27:00.000+08:00

im loving my sec 2 classes. yesterday lessons were fulfilling i believe. i apologised if the presentation was very boring. if i as the teacher find it very boring, what more the students right. anyway, told them to be prepared for a week of videos on sex education. hah!

there was this particular boy from 2a1 who said, "wow, ms farhana's notes very good leh" and when i asked them whether they need notes for other chapters, there were positive responses. "cher, everything also can lah, ur notes very good leh" -smiles widely-

i thank you god for giving me the patience and strength to withstand 2 whole weeks of sleepless nights. This is indeed a record, not sleeping, working for almost 21 whole hours, not drinking redbull, and lastly with my mind constantly on the treadmill. looks like i have to burn the midnight oil again. 3 more weeks and its hip hip hooray-everybody dance now. haha!

yes.

2008-08-06T18:27:00.000+08:00

I always tell my students that life is unfair. and yet i myself find it very hard to give in to this notion. We as mere human beings with no special powers whatsoever just have to resign ourselves to fate and have to accept whatever that has been bestowed unto us. No matter how hard we try to fight for something, we will always end up with what has been written in the books of fate. Now then, we'll start asking, wouldnt it be good and life will be much easier if this book of fate is available at Popular bookstores, Kinokuniya etc. Then we wouldnt hope so much for something that we will never get in the end. well. that's life i guess.

For those who are wondering how Farhana has been after leaving life as a camp instructor, well. life has been hard, and the going is getting tougher i foresee. This is just putting my love life aside. For me i believe that this is indeed the time when i should stop mistreating many others. I dun want to be unfair to those who think they can have something going on with me. STOP! because honestly, i really dont have much to give anymore, be it my affection, time, money, happiness and what every girlfriend should give to their other half. I will just save this for that very very special someone in the future. snorts snorts grunts grunts

Why am i so busy all the time? I dont think i owe anyone any explainations because

this is my life
this is not your life
i choose my life to be this way
again, i wish it didnt have to end up this way

It is not that i am a very boring person because i

dont ton
dont head to town every other day
dont lepak everyday
dont talk on the phone till 5am and then get ready for work
dont reply to msg/ seng msg

I wish i have all the time in the world. I admit i am envious of those who have so much time till all that is said is "im bored", "boredom kills" "this is what you do when boredom gets the better of you......................" etc. i want to know what it feels like to say that.

For the benefits of friends of whom i owe countless dates, meetups, gatherings and just normal slacking lepaking time, i am a soul-less robot taking shelter in Farhana's body. I teach sec 1 tech, sec 2 acad sec 4 tech maths and science in the morning, i juggle 2 to 3 tuitions in the afternoon till night and lastly, i have my night lessons at SIM on tuesdays and thursday. I have lesson plans worksheets powerpoint slides tests books to read assignments to complete. Take that. And if that is still hard to imagine, just understand this part. Farhana is very very busy and yet still tries to take every effort to make everyone smile.

Again i believe that the remaining time available if there is in the first place, (and for your information, this only happens if suddenly a tutee happily decides to cancel tuition last min,) i rather spend it beneficially with loved ones or just mere catching up with very good old friends. It doesnt matter if i dont have or never will have time for myself. as long as others are happy, then i will be smiling. yes, this may sound so boring but i guess that is what happens when you`re a grown up. You just view life differently. You work hard, too hard in fact, and at the end of the day, when it's time to let down your hair, you enjoy and party hard the way it should be. then life is indeed deserving no matter how unfair it is.

dont sway

2008-08-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

i remembered the day i ran away from home. A thousand times you called me, but i just ignored. I hated home then. I hated those two then. I wanted to get away, I wanted to get hold of my life, to be free from responsibilities. Most importantly, i wanted every right to govern my own life. I was 20 then. Six storeys high i stood on that rooftop, thinking i was safe and sheltered. When i finally answered your call, there were so many things that we compromised about. But the one i remembered the most was the one where you made sure that dad promised that he'll never beat me up. and true to his words, he didnt. From that incident alone, i was glad, for i was certain, i had found my superman. You were my superman then. All the incidents thereafter, i stayed committed to that acknowledgement. When you needed me to carry out my sisterly responsibility, i did it with utmost sincerity. But look at you now. I just wish you would realise how changed you are. How different you've been in a matter of months. And i wish you knew how much i am in need of my brother. I really miss you.

boo

2008-08-01T04:51:00.001+08:00

i miss everything about campha. =( i wanna do camps.

my first ever campfire with campha and yes, i look retarded because ive not bathed and i dont even know the dancesteps. BUT. who cares. =D

dear mr cinderella

2008-07-31T01:02:00.000+08:00

thanks for every moment spent, every word said and every little action you did. no matter how small or big, it mean so much more than words can ever said. you were there since two years ago, through every boys i dated and broke up with, the change in careers, every heartache, every worries, you always try to find the right words to say, and they do make me feel ok, in one way or another. and we'll never know what the future holds for sure, but like you, i am here, and always will be. more than anything, i want to be there if you need someone, like how youve been to me all this while.

today i sat at rooftop with mr cinderella for 4 hours straight since 8.30pm. today was really cold because the wind was blowing hard, too hard in fact, well i guess the weatherman tried to make up for the other night, when it was pratically hot and dry up there. we talked stuffs, and i felt so comfortable telling him stories about my work and the students, and later on, he started telling me matrep stories from ages ago. (haha! - pls dont say "ill sllllapped you" after reading this part) he's really a great help because at a time like this, when im still fragile and recovering, he's always there giving me support, unlike some twofaced ass! =D well anyway, i had a good afternoon which led to an even better night. we are always joking and im always laughing even before i start talking and i cant imagine a day when we will ever be serious about things. even better if things really work out and we get together, i cannot imagine us talking about bgr issues. ahhhh. i feel so 14 years old all of a sudden. (maybe we'll write love letters?;D) and honestly, it stills feel weird to say 'bunga bunga' things like i will miss you or i miss you to him though i am sincere in saying that.

Changing lives one at a time

2008-07-30T12:05:00.001+08:00

Believe that when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain.
-Helen Keller

It is always much easier to be the problem-solver in everyone else lives, yet my whole life is so disorganized.

Ive been waking up early, sleeping very late. Now that ive no work today because the school didnt call, im feeling very worried. Yesterday i was screaming profanities the whole morning to my mum about how fucked up the system can be. (and i still totally disagree about them calling way early in the morning and asking me to do relief-ing duties) Im betting hard on taking over that teacher's role. I dont really care if ive hated Maths my whole primary secondary jc life. I still want to be their form teacher. I rejected WRPS, cause i was pretty sure i would be given that job by NVSS. now im thinking whether ive made the right decision. No matter how much i diss and grunt about my work, i know that this is my purpose in life. Knowing their dreams and goals, and working towards them, i smile when they smile when finally the purpose is met. Ultimately at the end of the day i know i have done my part and duties willingly.

What is it like to be in my shoes? Always insecure, afraid, regret. Sometimes, in a moment of minutes, i can already form a bond with these little people that i meet. I feel for them too much that it scares me a lot thinking about how their future will turn out to be. Yes it is wrong to always judge that they can never go or will always choose to go the wrong way, and that scares me, but maybe i cant help it. The more i dwell into these thoughts, the more i want to be a part of them. A lot of times, i want to protect them from all the negativities of this world, but i can only do so much, and the rest is already up to them. And when i fail, that is where, i fall into a state of deep regret and great disappointment. Im afraid, maybe because i can never accept another child feeling pain, esp if that child is someone that have ever stepped into my life.

Like someone who has ever told me, "It doesnt matter if the whole team of students refuses to cooperate because amongst them all, there will always be one who is willing to listen and willing to adhere to what is being intructed. That child is the one who willing to heed towards a change. What matters most changing lives one at a time."

always be my baby

2008-07-28T05:40:00.000+08:00

dear god. pls wake me up from my sombre mood. open up my senses to the surroundings around me. pls let me have more social awareness. pls let that day come by faster. and lastly pls make me stronger.

when you said 2015, it meant so much more. pls come back mr rockstar.

personal loss

2008-07-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

my mind is filled with a whirlwind of a thousand different thoughts. everything jumbled together and trying to sort them out in order to get things done is so difficult. no, i dun want to tell anyone. never have been comfortable telling people stuffs, and im pretty sure, i`ll never be. Cry by Rihanna has been playing on repeat mode since 10.25pm just now, and yes, i am feeling distracted by that one single thought. I know i can do so much better than this, but my mind and heart just refuse to coordinate right at this moment. a whole lot of things pretty much undone. the week flew by much too fast, that i was left in a daze. got bothered here and there, but as usual, i managed to swipe them away.i apologize to many for not able to be there, for with the kind of schedule that ive comitted to, i myself dun have solitary time with my family, let alone, desirable time for romancing.

farhana wants to go away. farhana needs time alone.

my ride

2008-07-27T22:17:00.000+08:00

I am going to own a Honda Fiat very very soon. Hope everything goes well. Finally my very own transport. =D and yes, Farhana is dropping dead very soon.

one mr rockstar

2008-07-26T00:12:00.000+08:00

i told you i was very good in the hide and seek game with my problems. finally everything seeps in. and i realised that im truly alive right now.

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry
-RIHANNA

im nowhere here nor there. stuck in this time frame, wishing i could go back in time, yet wanting to be in 2015. everything felt so in place, twice in a row. you know how much i love your home, your family, how grateful i was when we were together. now im telling you, i miss you so much and that i need you, because you know me best. you were there when this madness happened. i want to be able to say all these straight into your eyes, but like 2 years before, you let me go when i needed you the most.

come back nashrun. pls come back.

yucks. double yucks.

2008-07-25T01:34:00.000+08:00

some words and people can just disgust me through and through. but farhana being farhana, will smile all the way through. =D

smile.

2008-07-22T01:29:00.000+08:00

Mr Cinderella to Farhana

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu, besarnya cintaku.. tingginya khayal ku bersamamu.. Ku telah lalui, untuk yg tersisa kini.. Di setiap hariku.. di setiap saat nafas hidupku..

ok lah mr cinderella. if u ever read this entry, i cant believe that you can be so bunga lah. but.. bunga pon bunga lah. =D two years old huh. and all the long distance relationship. cant wait to see you. come back quickly!

-

2008-07-20T23:47:00.000+08:00

like what chief veron always say, "tmr will be a better day". im never an optimist and has always believed that my life mostly lies at the bottom of the rollercoaster ride. im always looking forward towards the ride up which is never coming. but after being part of the company, ive discovered a part of me which i lost a long time ago.

tomorrow i begin a new phase in life. tomorrow will be a day of discovery and a search for lost treasures. tomorrow will be a day for hope. not just for the lives that i left months ago, but also to get myself back on track and set my goals straight. and yes, i owe this to my sec 2 fuchun sec campers.

and definitely i will miss wearing the red shirt.

herman

2008-07-18T01:20:00.000+08:00

From a person to Mr Fireman to Farhana

Like u said it wont help much. honestly, i knew sumthg like this wud happen. i knew u'll back off juz like those other girls in ur life after nana. i noe no one can take her place. n all u been doin is juz find someone like her.e moment its a diff girl, u push it away. i dun understd y u hav this wall ard u.

hmm. why all these at this point of time? why?

cylde to bonnie

2008-07-13T20:32:00.001+08:00

Mr Cinderella to Farhana

Sayang, that is not bunga.. That is being purely human.. And u always knw i feel e same too.. Since yest, i realised ur very special to me.. And as much as i dunwana let u see i got beaten, u saw.. And i thank u for understanding me and accepting me as i am darling.. Please share with wad ur tinking.. No matter hw badly bruised or wad, i'll b there 4 u, my babygirl.

i thank god for sending him to me. two years it took, and he was there all along. the change in boyfriends. the change in jobs. through the ups and downs. and i thank god, for giving me the chance to meet him. young and dangerous, slow and steady. here we go.

of happy thoughts

2008-06-29T13:44:00.002+08:00

The way to Happiness: Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much. Fill your life with love. Scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others. Do as you would be done by. Try this for a week and you would be surprise.
- H.C. Mattern

Indeed it is true that all the hate, fear, worry, complexity and all the other negative energies of the world would impede one's ability to sincerely live life to the fullest. i always want to be in a picture perfect scenario, always wanting to lead a life that was devoid of faults or imperfections. How could i when i myself cant even face up to my own mistakes. Maybe it has always been easier to put the blame on someone else or rather expecting someone else to change instead of myself. I`ve always wanted to be this little miss perfect for my parents that all along i`rarely had the chance to live life the way i want.

crash and burn

2008-06-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

when the car suddenly swerved at the roundabout at BKE-PIE, for a moment i wished that it would overturn instead of just hitting the railing. i wished that my brother and i would be inflicted with serious internal injuries and just die on the spot.

better than anything.

yes? no? i dunno.

2008-06-21T09:49:00.000+08:00

im still undecided whether i should turn up later or not. sigh. its been terrible. the ordeal has been torturous. though ive been smiling and been going out with different people, everything stays different.

of age gaps

2008-06-20T11:46:00.000+08:00

It is really sad that when ive been the one trying my very best to be accepted here, and all i get in return is just a wish. It's that bad because i remembered giving away my last dollar, feeling hungry just so my i can get dinner for my dad. or the time when i had to rushed down to town to get her a gift, just so she felt she meant something.

and what did he get. an expensive psp. and me? not even something i really really need. ok cool. and im the one who turned 21.

happy 21st.

2008-06-19T20:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY FARHANA.

17 June 2008, 12.37am, after daily debrief

thank you god for letting me breathe this air for 21 years. i will never know when the day will end for me, but i will always know my purpose till the end.
thank you for opening up my eyes today, letting me realise my worth.
thank you for surrounding me with people who love me as much as i love them.

and no special request this year god,
for i only want things to be. i believe there's a reason to everything that happened these past few months.

aftermath

2008-06-10T23:53:00.001+08:00

dear god, pls give me the strength to move on to better things in life. make me the girl i was many many years ago. the same one who had dreams and yet have the capability and motivation to achieve them. dear god, show me the signs to make the right decisions. pls guide me towards becoming a better person, one who is wise and generous, never putting herself first.

today i woke up thinking of you, wondering if you`re doing the same. how should i put my message across. though on the day that i left, you told me that you love me, i still wonder if it came from your heart or was it an obligation you felt you had to do to someone you already had as a girlfriend. i was so eager to check my mail. everyday i looked forward to the time we checked into the hotel, and finally today on the third night i was able to check my mails. unfortunately, nothing came from you. how dampened i became, but i still fight the urge to push these tears away. do you even know how empty i feel. this is not purely the cry of a girl who is emotionally driven but a girl who is need of love and attention. i crave for these lost feelings. you know how things are at home, how things work in my family, and you know how much i need you. and its not even the money that matters.

baby have i already become a shadow of your life, something you regard as a burden?

wrecked

2008-06-08T00:19:00.000+08:00

i dont know where ive gone wrong seriously. Honey, if you would just know how terrible i feel inside and how much im tearing apart inside. I wanna talk to you, tell you everything, but would you even spare me the time to seek these answers to the questions of my heart? It is always the same comments coming from you. If it is so true, why do
i still feel the heartache? it is as if the hole in my heart is getting bigger. You asked me to be the one to take the effort to bring us together, but why is it that i feel like you want me to do otherwise? it is as if the more i try, the more drifted we become. what happened in between, what exactly is it, because i am lost.

bgirls

2008-06-07T23:38:00.000+08:00

(taken eons ago)

babygrrl i miss you. thanks for accompanying me to get the much needed laptop case. its been a really long time that we meet up. we really must do this often. thanks for being a great listener. =D love ya so much

oh my god

2008-06-06T23:27:00.000+08:00

M to Farhana
.. At da end of da day i still like u! =D

M to Farhana
I noe ya attch but i still like u. Lets keep it between ourselves alrite. No one noes xcept 4 ma sis.

jobs jobs jobs

2008-05-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

Today was a fruitful day for me. I managed my time well enough such that i went out with mama, babyboy as well as settled my job applications.

I was very keen to hold a permanent part time sales job at Cotton On. Its been a week plus but the manager has yet to call me. The super flexible working hours plus the great pay for part-timers made me pin high hopes on it to a point where i rejected an interview for Club 21. one of the prestigious company that anyone would die for, and yet i stupidly rejected it because i didnt want a job that would affect my tuition schedule. i felt so stupid, two weeks after this incident happened, because now i realised, that putting priority towards my tuition is so worthless. The parents of my tutees simply put off tuition schedule, for god knows what.

Today i applied for Hula & Co. and Crumpler. I feel more confident for crumpler. The store owner was friendlier, and she did asked me questions based on my availability. Im crossing my fingers right now. i dont care if i have to work 24hours, just as long as i am out of the house and am super busy to worry about anything and at the same time, have money just for my survival. I am grateful for the boy who sent me to and from, from town to choa chu kang to yishun and back to admiralty. wahhh. and oil price keeps rising.

Nashrun to Farhana
Pls takmu jadi pemalas, ape rezeki yg ade grab je while waiting for u nak tgu2 for a perfect job. Kalau nk ikotkn gaji camp lagi kecik n lambat. Pls think. At least da start sch still can wrk, sikit2 pun atleast ade support. These r all advices that my parents will msg me. Regard it as ibu msg u, to help ur own self bcos she loves u, rmbr nobody can help u most but urself, we can only advice n support ok dear. Like now, i am only supporting u but when can it last kan? Ppl have their own debts n probs too kan dear. I hope u think abt this, its for ur own gd, nite dear.

Whatever that was written in that particular msg is indeed true. All along ive been waiting for a job that i deemed as worthy and has good returns, yet it isnt coming. I feel so indebted to the boy, because he has been the one to provide me with transportation money, and he always makes sure that i have eaten. Even with the small amount of money that he earned plus the unsettled debts, he still tried so hard to support me. And i keep trying to find faults with him.

bad bad farhana. I really need to wake up, and be a better person. Chase after unfulfilled dreams, and really achieve them.

the aftermath

2008-05-29T20:07:00.001+08:00

i cant quite understand myself. the more i want to solve this problem, the more i feel like it is getting even more complicated. come to think of it, it was never his fault in the first place. it is more like mine, that after all these years and what i had gone through before, the emotions accumulate, and i am so afraid to know the truth about me. i dun want to change people nor want them to adjust themselves just for my sake. But the truth is i really miss being the main priority of the boy.

Farhana to Nashrun
i miss the old times, the old nashrun, the old us. Now it feels like ive nothing to fight for. This relationship means nothing now. Everytime i feel so angry so ignored. U always want me to prove myself, but i dun feel anything from u, therefore i dun even have the smgt to do it.

i keep reminding him about how much i missed everything that happened eight months ago. the sweet beginnings. he was a totally different person back then who reacted in a different manner when exposed in situations. but now i realised, no matter how hard and loud i whine, things will remain as it is, or even worst, the state that we`re in just get worst. i can never get back what i once back, maybe this is what time does to people. change them.

i still remember the promise that i made to him, about how i wanted to change. i was dead serious about it, but a lot of times, there are things which held me back. I always feel like its not worthy to do so much for this relatioonship. This worries me so much, because it means that im no longer committed into this relationship. however so, the boy is still the one that i want.

i am scared. maybe its time, i put the boy aside and gather back as many friendships that are hanging by loose ends. put my life back on track. family work friends. most importantly school which is starting in august. main thing is, get busy. so i dont think much. like how i did it with herman, maybe its time i do it once more. never shed a single tear, when me and herman broke up, because i got myself busy.

humans are ugly creatures. they never realised that when they're pointing their index finger at someone, the remaining four fingers are pointing back at them.

-

2008-05-24T04:08:00.000+08:00

ive never felt this alone. the sense of security that used to cover me up is totally not there. hmm

!

2008-05-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

when i needed someone the most, were you there for me? you used your family against me. how could you. you`re the one person i thought i had, but you just stab me in the back. fuck, you are my fucking bf, for fucks sake

dbl o

2008-05-02T00:16:00.000+08:00

my heart actually says no. but i wouldnt admit it. now im crying. i hope the night passed faster. i hope nothing bad happens.

-

2008-04-07T19:39:00.000+08:00

Its after maghrib already. The truth is, im feeling lonely and missing the sweetheart terribly. I wish he was right here with me, accompanying me. But i cant be selfish because he is working at Beats Merchant right now. Im working out my tuition schedule and all the administrative stuffs right now and it sucks because being an almost perfectionist, i want everything to be in tiptop condition. The notes, assignment and practices that Im doing for the kids, i expect my efforts to be 100 percent, and the outcomes of these prints to be 101 percent. So right now, the migraine has made a trip back. It sucks. I dun want my kids to be behind schedule. =( yes i know, i told everyone i dun want to be a teacher, but at this stage, i cant help but admit it, maybe this is my calling after all. It is just in my blood, that whenever i see a kid who has difficulties understanding anything related to education, I give my very all to help him. For now, i wish the ministry will just close my case and give me another chance to prove my worth. It not just for the money, $65/6 hours, but also I know im worth it.

just now babyboy mentioned about having the studio all to himself after work. and something triggered my heart right there and then. why does this always happen? i wonder what miss m would do if the boyfriend told her. would she as a girlfriend use that opportunity? i feel really upset, its like im incomparable to her in so many ways. such things like these never fail to make me feel like i can never match up to her and also that babyboy and i were just not meant for each other. is this true? pls give me a sign god.

Babyboy, i miss you so much. I know you`re not really convinced because everytime we are together, we end up bickering 25 percent of the time, and i only confessed such melodramatic words when you`re not around. But truth to be said, that's how my heart works. Im sorry because im always pointing the blame at you when you`re already trying your best to keep everything ok. Im not sure what im expecting of you, maybe im just being like my parents, expecting you to do something, which i myself cant accomplished. I am egoistic, i admit, and i know im always hurting ur pride and ego as a man. Im sorry. Im regretful, and i will work towards a better Farhana, and i will put in more effort towards this relationship.I love you so much, that i tend to over-react over the smallest things, and i keep thinking of a picture-perfect relationship, which i know is quite impossible. Baby pls dun ever leave me, even though ive been very mean. I am sorry.

-

2008-04-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

Today was my virgin on job training at the campsite itself. I was prety psyched yesterday for today's training because of the fact that i would finally be active in outdoor stuffs. i miss sport actually, and at any time, i would choose being sporty over the girly girly stuffs. but anyway, im find being and all-rounder for now. Im a tough sassy girly girl who will definitely not melt under the scorching sun.

Anyway, i really do have a lovable boyfriend who takes the effort to send me to the various workplaces. He fetched me from Admiralty even though he was pretty tired from yesterday's work and sent me to Jalan Bahtera Campsite, at Lim Chu Kang/ Kranji area. The ride was awesome despite the fact that the grounds were unbalanced, rocky, muddy and had holes. Feeling feeling main track racing kononnye. Next, he came with a zinger burger. So if u saw a yellow drz, with a small man at the front plus a hungry gelojoh girl muching on her zinger like there's no tomorrow, whizzing by on the narrow unstable route and the roads of KJE, then that must be us. =) Babyboy waited patiently for my tuition to end.

At night, we headed to our 2nd fav spot. the SSS. It was awesome lying down on the road under the stars-filled sky. Just the two of us, having our moment.

-

2008-04-03T20:16:00.000+08:00

im sorry if my words hurt you baby. I didnt mean to hurt you in any way even though i felt so much pain inside. I just wanted you to be a better person, not for myself or for our future. Every positive change that you make for yourself will ultimately be for your own good. Im just an outsider, a girl who came into your life, late last year. and im no perfect myself.

Im glad you took the effort to make up for everything. It definitely cheered me up. The sight of you today really took the gloomy grey clouds away. Thank you for your help in photosteting the papers, the snapple which is my fav drink, the pizza hut treat, though i didnt want you to use up your pay. and definitely thank you for sending and fetching me whenever i have errands to do all over the place.

Yes indeed, im never happy inside of me. but when you`re around, suddenly this unhappiness is overshadowed by happy thoughts. but the moment time with you is up, im brought back to reality. and that is where fear and uncertainty control me. i dont own perpetual happiness. but you do make a difference in my life.

i dont want your best man to ask you to break up with me. i know he's joking. but just the thought itself really breaks my heart.

-

2008-03-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

if i had one wish, it would be for all our dreams and hopes to come true.

-

2008-03-29T14:29:00.000+08:00

today i woke up feeling more lethargic than ever. now i know that this always happens after a night of action-packed dream. this incident is recurring eversince suicidal thoughts reappear in my mind. maybe this blog will be a memoir about the last days of farhana. and when i finally have an A* plan to the end of my life or i have gathered enough courage to take my own life, then that will be the end of aimer-le-folie.

living and breathing the air has no meaning anymore. that's what it seems. perhaps, this is how my fate is towards the end, totally opposite of what i envisage. wake up, housework, eat, pray, staring at the walls, thinking, dreaming, more praying, crying, and finally sleeping. i want to feel angry and shout at, i want to start a war, but somehow, i have lost all the motivation to even do that, to do the one thing that i loved most, to plot against my parents. i am frustated at how my life turns out to be but the more i want to point my fingers at anyone, the more i know that i only have myself to blame. dreadful indeed.

i want to run away, far far away, be reborn, be mistake-less, sin-less and everything else like a newborn baby. but i`ve lost that drive to do so. the aspirations that i once had, they appear to be moving shadows now, not even staying for a bit longer. passing by like the moving fluffy clouds in the sky. a place they say is a haven, seems more torturous than a torture chamber. i can feel the walls and ceiling of my room caving in.

i want to cut myself to death, like the typical teenage girls who self-mutilate themselves, but i am afraid of blood. i want to jump of from my bedroom window, but im afraid of having my head smashed against the cold cemented ground. i want to swallow pills and die of overdosed, but i`ve yet to find the money to get the pills. maybe soon enough.

no i dont want to study, i dun want to slog my guts out, working hard only to feel more unappreciated. but if that is the only way to free myself from the clutches of my parents, then i would do it. and definitely i am not going to teach. because i want to displease my parents. i will make sure i become a flight stewardess, so i will hardly be at home.

because home is hell.

-

2008-03-28T23:56:00.000+08:00

the aftermath is horrible. nash didnt really get it. im only doing it for his own happiness. i dun want him to be trap in my situation. if only he understood my intentions. seriously it is not fair for him having to feel like it. it hurts me so much that we cant meet as usual and spend long hours like previous times. even going out is a rare chance for me, definitely how can we possibly meet. and how can two people who are not supposed to meet each other be in a relationship.

come on nash, think about it, if u would just be in a different relationship then u wouldnt have to feel like this all the time. i want to much to make u happy but it seems impossible when i cant even go out with you. i feel so sad and sucky everytime you plan to go out, i just cant. i definitely dun even want to try to ask my parents because just the thought of having to irks me. i feel so pressurized each time this subject pops up time and again.

i slammed the door in his face, and i definitely felt bad. it breaks my heart even more, knowing im breaking his heart. loving someone does not equal to hurting someone, and definitely i went beyond the limits yesterday. i wish he hate me or so.

im sorry

i ended up at jalan kayu for supper yesterday with kak wid and family. memories etched in my mind. i could visualize that night when i came there with nash, and his two buddies, wan and johnny. oh god, im tearing up again. why is this so hard. i want so much for him to forget me and move on. i want him to be happier. but im still holding on. holding on strongly to whatever we once had.i dont want to hope anymore. my dad wont forgive him. thats what he said. which i think is utter rubbish. even a criminal like him gets second chance, what more a boy who is growing up.

fuck.

-

2008-03-25T15:53:00.000+08:00

Its really disheartening when day and night comes and i have yet to hear from any company. seriously, everyday, i would wake up and check the classifieds and the internet, as well as apply for various jobs. I really need the money to support myself. God is really unfair. I pray to repent for my mistakes yet God is hardly helping me. i want to work. I dun care if i have to work 24 hrs, as long as im out of the house.

Babyboy, has been very supportive towards me. His words of encouragement is the major reason I smile everyday. His words calm never fail to come me down and even though they are not the best advices that i have ever heard, i always look forward to hearing to wat he is gonna say. After saturday night's wee morning call, i really feel like there`s no turnings or directions in my life. But again, babyboy saved the day.

when doing things

2008-03-24T13:01:00.000+08:00

One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone. Do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

and all the drama.

2008-03-21T12:39:00.000+08:00

four days in all. thats the exact figure that i would not be seeing babyboy. and how do i feel. extremely a pain in my heart. im not exaggerating. because that is what i truly feel when i dont get to meet him. its really sad because once upon a time ago, we planned for this weekend. i already made plans to bring him along to changi with me. its more disheartening because a certain girl will be there. isnt life unfair and all. but what can i do with my position. born as an accidental child, and even worse as a girl, what claims do i have over my life?. well, this is my fate i guess.

to my dearest babyboy. im sorry once again because you have to go through all this unnecessary circumstances. circumstances that you wouldnt have to go through if i was a different girl. i wanted so much to tell you yesterday night, to make that move to go away once again. i dun want you to feel what i feel inside. all the pain, the lonliness, and the longing. im sorry. i certainly wish you have fun during this weekend. i`ll always wish for you to be my side. no matter what happends, you`ll always be in my mind. in my heart.

ku pejamkan mata, kau hadir di sisi

ku hulurkan tangan, kau sambut dengan kasih

tenangkanlah hatimu agar bisa ku senyum

pejamkanlah matamu jika rindukan wajahku

i love you.

beats merchant

2008-03-19T20:13:00.002+08:00

Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.

-Jean Anouilh

I cant help it but realized that indeed love is a special thing, or perhaps, more specifically an emotion. It is a powerful gift bestowed to mankind, and is present in all man. It is the one main thing that drives a person to live and fight for his life. How we use that gift differs. How strong, passionate, or even weak, the love in us would depend on how much effort we put in. Without effort, the end result would never be sweet. It would be wrong to actually say that in this generation or at this particular time, love cease to exist in a relationship between a man and a woman. How can a relationship possibly work if we based it on our needs for inanimate objects that does not exist forever? All the words sprouted from my father's mouth were mere bullshit, and nothing would ever change my perception or the way i should feel.

Though today was an all girls day for me and an all boys day for babyboy, i made my way to beats merchant after our failed suntanning session. Seeing him in his all white shirt and jeans just made my heart skipped a beat for a moment. When i opened the door to the recording room, I didnt see my boyfriend. I only saw his twin cousins. My heart beat very fast when he walked beside me to Kampong Glam Cafe. Its a feeling that was never lost, and i believe that this feeling will stay. I want to believe that anyway. Its been a long time, someone stole my heart this way. And want me to stay for long. I like having my meals when he is around. The coonversations we have over meals are always interesting.

It's hard always wanting to stay around him, and time is never on my side. The moment we`re together, time seems to pass faster. No matter what, we`re taking this opportunity to be a pair of more matured individuals. We`re learning from our past mistakes. and though this is a very bad ordeal for the both of us, i believe that it is an educational one. In the past i used to promise him that i would learn to appreciate his efforts more, but it never seemed to work. well in this case, the silver lining behind the grey clouds is that we`re appreciative of each other's presence now. The moment we`re together, we would spend it like it is our last moments together. But the best thing is that, when i feel angry inside towards him, i calm myself down by telling myself that i might never see him tomorrow. It's hard to find a farhana that you see now in the years before 2008. But this is what love mould me into.

-

2008-02-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why people love so much to put others in a spot.

First it was the tuition coordinator who didnt understand the meaning of not being free. Why did i even give in to her demands in the end.

Secondly. My boyfriend. Why didnt he even have the initiative to offer to help me print my stuffs knowing i had so little time to accomplish a great deal of work. Why is it so hard to understand that things are not like last time, whereby i cant easily get out of the house. Why is it so important to go to his house, knowing that i lived in Admiralty and his house is situated in Yishun, what more it takes a whole 30 minutes for me to travel because his blk is inaccessible. Its not that im even giving excuses not to go there, but its because of the time constraint. Why couldnt he be the one to initiate the idea of him printing and passing the stuffs to me so at least i can make a trip to anywhere near to photostet after that. Im not even asking for much, and i dont even ask for help from him most of the time.

But what remained in my mind was when he said "Bila I lapar semalam ada u buat pape?" Wow. That statement really hit bulleyes. Such a baseless and false accusation, but though i kept quiet, my emotions were raging. Like they always say, people are always taking granted of the ones most precious to them and they will never see the goodness in others. It didnt matter that he was very dependent on me to do things for him, and i had usually put him top priority because i always thought my help was most important for him to reach his goals. But all that meant nothing when he couldnt even do anything i ask him to. watever.

and tell me, seriously update what? im the one sitting at home right now while you`re the one outside. so who should do the updating? and i cant possibly wait for you to come home every night before we have our daily routine (which is by the way talking on the phone till we fall asleep) when you`re out jolly jolly having a merry good time with your friends almost every other night.

Third. My mom. Maybe whatever complains that i have about her will just continue. Whatever. If she wants me to pay for my own stuffs so be it. Guess i`ll have to wait.

sigh.

Maybe i just missed my old old life, like really really yearn for the past, where im pampered by every single one, and that includes farn. I will always get every single thing that I want. and very quickly too. Leading an adult life is so horrible, because i have to struggle for everything. its like a young bird which made its first successful flight, yet a few seconds later, abandoned by the mother. Though you are given the time to make decisions, you have to use every ounce of energy to fend for yourself to ensure you`re still alive the next day. Now its more of the survival of the fittest. and this time round, no more free goodies for me. Im so afraid to open up my heart and reveal the insides because im not sure if the boyfriend will understand. people hardly understand you, and they wont bother to decipher your thoughts. Its definitely easier when things get bottled up.

i want and really need a boyfriend who will make me feel like i dun need anyone else, not even my parents, because at this point of time, i really am sure i have no one to depend on. When at first, i had a taste of independence after the departure of mr fireman, i am quite elated. I was
rejoicing. But i realise right now, the weight of this burden is really holding me down. I wish i had someone, who truly understand and can feel this pain and the saltiness of the tears that are flowing at this point of time. I wish the boyfriend was a more responsible person, taking the lead more often than i do. because i definitely miss the times when i was busy following instead of doing the leading. I want to have that confidence and trust in a boyfriend the way i should, knowing he can make the right kind of decisions for me, and also to be able to make me do something, and even when it turns out wrong, i am not able to blame him, because whatever it is, he is still right. No matter how simple i crave for my life to be, i have to accept that life right now, in this generation or in the years to come will never be easy for anyone, not just us,
and i wish that my boyfriend will understand that. maybe i just want my boyfriend to understand, i have no one else but him. i am no one else's princess but his.

ultimately, i have to wake up from my dreamland. storytelling is over.

.

2008-01-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

all i know is they want me to live the life they initially wanted to live but failed.

the accidental child takes all the blame. every single inch of it.

i love you rockstar.

i wish i had the guts to say "we shouldnt be together, i hate you, etc" straight into you eyes cos i know you deserve better than this. i can allow myself to be trapped in this viscious cycle, but not you. you dont deserve this. i swear.

and the list goes on.

2008-01-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

how do i put it, the way my life is? slowly picking up from where everything has been left?

driving - check
dance - check
career- almost there
finance- baddddddddddd
social life- almost there

hmm. its always hard to accomodate to everyone's needs. futhermore with the stress coming from each and everyone's expectations, i find life unbearable. totally. why is it so hard for me to say the simple two letter word, no? and why is it so hard to offer encouragement when i want to change for the better? a little encouragement definitely wont kill.

-

2008-01-20T10:01:00.000+08:00

another sunday come and go. there goes another weekend. haiyah. and we didnt even go out this weekend. such a waste. its always like that, when im unable to go out, there will definitely be places to go to. but when im free and all set to go, we end up in our homes. =( life's a bitch. i miss zouk. effing miss it. its been lots of weeks since i stepped my foot there. but i guess partying's not such a big thing for me anymore, furthermore with the break up of cliques and the many new faces there.

i went window shopping continuously last few days, and i`ve set my eyes on several things. my account has only 500 bucks or so left. i really want these things.

mama's agreed to let me go on both trips with babyboy's family. which means i have 3 trips to look forward to.

babyboy was supposed to sleep here tonight yesterday after the man u match but i guess he got irritated because he couldnt sleep with me, and i was in my weakest state to answer his 5 min questions at 3 plus in the morning.

my geography and social studies are in a mess. im glad the lady cancelled the tuition for her child.

urgh

2008-01-14T23:17:00.000+08:00

im tired of living this life. i guess anyone would be if they were in my shoes. i want and need to go to school, and i wonder how any runaway kids or whoever who detests going to school can ever dislike going to school. seriously. i complained to babyboy about how my brain aint functioning the way it used to. the last time i seriously studied was for a levels, and that wasnt even serious, (i merely give up by the second week during the exam periods due to the daily breaks in between the papers) and so, to calculate, it appears that my brain has not really been thinking intellectually for approximately 14 months. the only time it is working is when this mind has to think of solutions for my endless problems. like wtf. the only thing that i can substitute for everything is by reading the newspapers and religiously looking up the definitions of the words just to brush up on my vocabulary. i hate the way i think and the way i talk now. aaaaaaaaaaaaaiyah. and today while i was reading the straits time, i chance upon the ntu application for the masters programme. im not even doing a degree now. it appears like im not heading for anywhere right now. its not fair. life's unfair. i just want to do something thats has got to do with literature or psychology or english. something that can help me when i work with the social public. after reading so much news, i think i might even dream of becoming a minister. am i bragging here or what. but what the heck. i hate politics.

fuck fuck fuck.

on a lighter note, i chance upon an entry, which really frustrates me. im in need, financially, and seriously, people should really pay back their debts. my brother could have paid me a part of what he owed me but instead, he bought his gf a tube dress. (*inserts profanities here) and it seemed like i dont even get to taste my pay. ( and they say teachers are really paid well, wtf) because most of my pay goes to paying bills, lending people and yeay, getting stuffs for people. aiyah.

like last month, i spent so much on the zoukout tickets buying for this person and that person, and in the end when they do return my money in bits and pieces, i cant remember what i used the money for. all i can remember is that i used the different pieces of 50 bucks on outings and stuffs. ya, stuffs that i dont even see now.

seriously, i need to get myself something decent that i eye with every month's pay just to reward myself, but (*inserts profanities here again), guess what, i dun even know when my next pay is coming. (if i am going to have a next pay, and hopefully yes)

I MISS MY FULLHOUSE so much. if only they have the time. half of them are busy chasing their dreams, the other quater is serving their last weeks of ns, and the last quarter is busy earning bucks. sobssss

ini hidup banyak suay lahhhhhhh

ps. excuse this little miss angsty for the extreme use of vulgarities

6-0

2008-01-13T17:19:00.000+08:00

i like reminiscing about my saturday. how it started perfectly and ended so well. (even though i didnt want babyboy to go back to 12-1242.) usually i am fussy over how i spent my saturday. my expectation for every saturday is that it should be spent with a big bang, with chaos, crazy people, activities, dancing, watsoever. anything, anywhere but home. but yesterday i wanted so much to spend my saturday at home because i was so tired from friday's event. and babyboy decided to accompany me at home. he ended up sleeping here anyway, cos he slept through towards the end of the manchester united match. haha. (i think my sleeping pills work, ok part ni bedek) and i make him tepok and rub my back at 5 in the morning. the best remedy to my insomnia nights.

=) part feeling-feeling i shall not disclosed ofloveand-starcrossed strangers, only for babyboy to know. and i love him so much. yesterday makes me feel that we`re almost married

crossroads

2008-01-13T16:48:00.000+08:00

almost half a month of has passed, and what can i say about my life? farhana's doing ok. so-so, and experiencing very abrupt changes in her emotions. its a wonder how the way i feel can go through a 180 degrees within seconds. there will be times when i am laughing like there's no tomorrow and the next second, i can just give you that evil glare or even worst, feel like ripping my heart out and crying my guts out. and after much thought, all i can come up with is that, i am under a lot of pressure.

sometimes i think that life would be much easier if people would hold back their judgements towards others, then this would really allow everyone the rights to their freedom of expression. people, especially me, would really feel much happier, doing things i rather enjoy rather than having sleepless nights thinking what my next step should be to ensure perfection. but again if this is really true and everyone were to follow this, then again, life wouldnt be as much easier. come to think of it. people's judgments and expectations of me are what form this body and soul. if no one was to direct me, then my life would definitely become haywire. right?

i always wanted to end 2007 on a happier note and begin it with a smile. i got what i wished for. but little did i expect that fate would play a cruel joke on me. again i wonder, how many hits do i really need before i get knocked down, and never wake up. growing up is always a painful process but i didnt expect myself to be worrying about my tomorrow endlessly. i always thought adulthood was the key to freedom, thus the rebellious behaviour that followed suit months ago. i wanted so much to show my parents that i was a girl who has hit the big 2-0, that i no longer need to be under their watchful eyes ALL the time, but i realised now, no matter how hard i try to break myself free from this cycle, i still find myself chained down. because this is my life. my fate. the one that was written so many years ago. then i realised, the faster i wanted to grow up and be free. the faster it is, that i am choking and actaully killing me.

now that i`ve lost almost everything and ruined the one thing that was going perfect for me, i find myself stuck at this crossroad. there is no turning back anymore. yet i find the road further down, appearing more hazy than it was ever before.

i need more signs.

tick

2008-01-13T10:45:00.000+08:00

babyboy said he had a fruitful weekend. i couldnt agree more. this weekend was a very couple-y one with an extra dosage of our family each. i just came back from having a bowling activity with his family and relatives plus his two buddies. wahh piang. cant ask for more. initially, i wanted to concentrate on the geography tuition assignment which i was very excited about, but then i had to put that on hold.

despite the headache that i was having and the aircon over at occ, making it worst, i still enjoyed myself . its been a while since i laughed till my cheeks hurt. boy, it was a good and hearty laugh for me. and damn, babyboy's really good at bowling. according to the bet we made just now, hmm.. i do owe him something.

even with all the fun and laughter, i do feel a tinge of regret and guilt for not spending today with dad. well. you cant always have the best of both worlds right.

(love) rockstar 10:42:02pm

Nash is proud to say this, kau la segalanya!

(love) rockstar 10:44:00pm

And thank you for being awesome with me

seriously i keep thinking about marriage nowadays. the topic of marriage involving young couples used to turn me off, but i cant help it but wished that everything right now could go on smoothly for me. i used to dream of getting engaged by 23 and two years later tie the knot. but with babyboy, i know its impossible to do so. we`ve already set the target for 2015. i wished time would just pass faster or for any miracle to occur, to enable us to get married earlier. damn, this all sound so ridiculous but i guess this is falling in love and being very serious in a relationship. i have always loved my partners and love their families. but not this one. this is way better than any of them, way too comfortable for me to describe with words. its like i dont want to waste any more time, i just want to be married, live with him, and bear his kids. ahhhhhh.

patience is a virture and since i`ve always wanted the perfect fairytale ending, i guess now its time for me and babyboy to work work work our asses off for that. point to take note, that self-improvement is important because no one is perfect and every single day is a life lesson for us to better ourselves.

1.

2008-01-13T01:13:00.000+08:00

any weak person in my shoes, would collapse and be dead right now. 4 fatal shots, yet im still standing still, alive and kicking. i asked babyboy, what was god's purpose in doing so. why four at one go. am i to still breathe till the tenth shot. because im trying so hard to stay alive in this game. if this is my fate, why does it have to be so cruel and so difficult.

and throughout this whole trying period, babyboy's the only supportive one. something that i am indeed very surprised by.

babyboy's fast asleep right now on the floor, feeling all comfy underneath my comforter and hugging the pillow. *grins widely babyboy mcm faham only nak watch the man u match. haha. daddy's snoring like a whale on the sofa and im waiting for mama's return from work. damn. everything is so picture perfect, like how i always thought about it and i never dreamt that a day like this would actually come true.

7th day

2008-01-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

its been a week since her demise. too short a period but which seems like forever for the days to pass. her absence at home makes this small house too quiet. something that i've not been used to. and im trying hard to find all the excuses to stay out. yet at the same time, the strings to my heart are tugged at the presence of the other cat. at times i feel like a mother of two, who just lost her beloved child and now has to struggle to shower her love to the other, and trying hard not to be too overprotective. and at this, when the heart is actually yearning and mourning over the dead one. sleepless nights, and all the tears just thinking about her. regrets for taking things for granted, for i always thought she will lived to the day i got married. the subconcious mind will always stray when im deep in thoughts but i try hard to stop myself from picturing her lifeless form.

and yes, everything was a mistake. i made a mistake in misjudging people. especially bf. at the point of time when i feel like letting myself drop down from high above, i chose to do it out of my own accord. i realised that many hands were stretched out offering themselves to me, yet i chose to shut my eyes. i ignored the help given to me. it has been like this before, and maybe it will stay that way. the biggest mistake ever.

and indeed i am sorry for misjudging and mistreating bf in every sense.

my precious

2008-01-05T10:38:00.000+08:00

in loving memory. always and forever.

i can still remember her birthday. by heart. and i know i`ll know it forever. i remembered the first time she was brought into this world. how excited the bunch of kids at school were, to the extent they video-ed the whole procedure. i remembered how i would go visit the whole family during my breaks, because she was one of the few that would take my time of smoking. the vigorous interviews, explainations, convincing just to have a roof over her head

i remembered how herman held the box while riding the fireblade. how i got angry because he said it was dangerous to do so, but i insisted still, and in the end, we did ferry her back to drive 73 on a fireblade because he knew i wanted to keep her so much

the scratching pole, on which she was able to climb up, and how i would be so proud of her each time she was able to balance herself on top of it.

the company she gave me throughout my a levels, how she would sit on my notes and start stratching and nibbling on them, just to distract me, and tell me to study her, instead of my notes. and the times she just had to irritate me by standing in front of the computer's monitor or on my laptop's keypad.

and yes, believe it or not, she needs a soft toy to sleep with. first it was the giraffe, our yjc mascot (the one sufyan black gave me), then it was mama's white teddybear, then it was farn's mr beans teddy. when i slept yesterday, i envisage hearing her soft snore, and light vibrations, signs to tell me that she needed the warmth of a human being. it amazed me how she would find her way through my comforters each night, and her favourite sleeping spot was my backside. the most heat i guess.

the best listening ear ever, because she never had anything to say back to me. all i needed was her pair of adoring blue eyes staring back at me each time i needed to cry my heart out.

she was there, through my worst period of times. 2007. she stayed through the whole painful year with me. 16 months.

why god. why did you let her leave in a painful way. is this retribution for all the mistakes that i committed?

milkshake, vanilla, just one of the first few names, she attended to. baby, putih. but pussy still remains.

woots

2008-01-02T15:08:00.001+08:00

after days of lazing around and doing stuffs that were oh-so-not practical, i finally found the inspiration and drive to post the first entry of the year. blogging is a wonder. there'll be times when i am so smgt to write a very long winded entry, too long that it puts my essay assignments in jc to shame, but there will be times when i am bitten by the lazy bug. and even when i have a lot on my mind, too much in fact, i just cant spit out the thoughts. farhana seeks perfection, and when it seems like perfection is just too tedious for a time to organise all my jumbled up thoughts, i totally give up the whole idea of blogging.

ahh. but, thou readers shall not be disappointed.

finally the end of painful 2007. there were just too many life-lessons to be learnt. and it seemed clear to me now, that i should really heed the advices given to me. unlike many bloggers who painstakingly have typed out a full whole year of their life stories, i wont do likewise. for me, the things that happened to me in 2007 were just too painful to share to many. and yes, i did write it down in a private journal, to serve as a token of reminder to myself.

painful things will always make a man a stronger one. hopefully farhana becomes one of that too. and this year, i am more than determined to work on my new year resolutions. =D

on a lighter note cheers to:-

my two most favourite boys.

lucky no 4.

HAPPY FIRST-MONTH.

though you can be a very (with a capital V) irritating person in the whole wide world, im so happy you`ve found someone you can call your other half. certainly beats the time you were all down and teary and un-manly.

dear god

2008-01-01T16:01:00.000+08:00

why am i subjected to so much pain in a short period of time. if this is god's way of teaching me to overcome my fears and weaknesses, hell no. i rather be crippled all my life. man can only bear so much pain inside of them. and definitely i am human.

sometimes it feels so much easier to wish one could sleep forever, but to actually do that, he needs all the courage to accomplish that task. its been so long that this ever cross my mind.

mr fireman says "go and sleep. or talk to nash. dont be alone. it kills. or sleep and wake up tmr morning."

but what should i do when the only strength i`ve ever had, i pushed it away because i wanted the best for my relationship (or so i thought that it would be wise to do so), and the only one remaining is having a jolly good time showing off his new baby to his group of friends.

why am i always tripping? give me answers god. before its too late.