Friday, January 25, 2008♥
. ♥ 8:39 PM
all i know is they want me to live the life they initially wanted to live but failed.
the accidental child takes all the blame. every single inch of it.
i love you rockstar.
i wish i had the guts to say "we shouldnt be together, i hate you, etc" straight into you eyes cos i know you deserve better than this. i can allow myself to be trapped in this viscious cycle, but not you. you dont deserve this. i swear.
So close..
Thursday, January 24, 2008♥
and the list goes on. ♥ 12:54 AM
how do i put it, the way my life is? slowly picking up from where everything has been left?
hmm. its always hard to accomodate to everyone's needs. futhermore with the stress coming from each and everyone's expectations, i find life unbearable. totally. why is it so hard for me to say the simple two letter word, no? and why is it so hard to offer encouragement when i want to change for the better? a little encouragement definitely wont kill.
So close..
Sunday, January 20, 2008♥
- ♥ 10:01 AM
another sunday come and go. there goes another weekend. haiyah. and we didnt even go out this weekend. such a waste. its always like that, when im unable to go out, there will definitely be places to go to. but when im free and all set to go, we end up in our homes. =( life's a bitch. i miss zouk. effing miss it. its been lots of weeks since i stepped my foot there. but i guess partying's not such a big thing for me anymore, furthermore with the break up of cliques and the many new faces there.
i went window shopping continuously last few days, and i`ve set my eyes on several things. my account has only 500 bucks or so left. i really want these things.
mama's agreed to let me go on both trips with babyboy's family. which means i have 3 trips to look forward to.
babyboy was supposed to sleep here tonight yesterday after the man u match but i guess he got irritated because he couldnt sleep with me, and i was in my weakest state to answer his 5 min questions at 3 plus in the morning.
my geography and social studies are in a mess. im glad the lady cancelled the tuition for her child.
So close..
Monday, January 14, 2008♥
urgh ♥ 11:17 PM
im tired of living this life. i guess anyone would be if they were in my shoes. i want and need to go to school, and i wonder how any runaway kids or whoever who detests going to school can ever dislike going to school. seriously. i complained to babyboy about how my brain aint functioning the way it used to. the last time i seriously studied was for a levels, and that wasnt even serious, (i merely give up by the second week during the exam periods due to the daily breaks in between the papers) and so, to calculate, it appears that my brain has not really been thinking intellectually for approximately 14 months. the only time it is working is when this mind has to think of solutions for my endless problems. like wtf. the only thing that i can substitute for everything is by reading the newspapers and religiously looking up the definitions of the words just to brush up on my vocabulary. i hate the way i think and the way i talk now. aaaaaaaaaaaaaiyah. and today while i was reading the straits time, i chance upon the ntu application for the masters programme. im not even doing a degree now. it appears like im not heading for anywhere right now. its not fair. life's unfair. i just want to do something thats has got to do with literature or psychology or english. something that can help me when i work with the social public. after reading so much news, i think i might even dream of becoming a minister. am i bragging here or what. but what the heck. i hate politics.
fuck fuck fuck.
on a lighter note, i chance upon an entry, which really frustrates me. im in need, financially, and seriously, people should really pay back their debts. my brother could have paid me a part of what he owed me but instead, he bought his gf a tube dress. (*inserts profanities here) and it seemed like i dont even get to taste my pay. ( and they say teachers are really paid well, wtf) because most of my pay goes to paying bills, lending people and yeay, getting stuffs for people. aiyah.
like last month, i spent so much on the zoukout tickets buying for this person and that person, and in the end when they do return my money in bits and pieces, i cant remember what i used the money for. all i can remember is that i used the different pieces of 50 bucks on outings and stuffs. ya, stuffs that i dont even see now.
seriously, i need to get myself something decent that i eye with every month's pay just to reward myself, but (*inserts profanities here again), guess what, i dun even know when my next pay is coming. (if i am going to have a next pay, and hopefully yes)
I MISS MY FULLHOUSE so much. if only they have the time. half of them are busy chasing their dreams, the other quater is serving their last weeks of ns, and the last quarter is busy earning bucks. sobssss
ini hidup banyak suay lahhhhhhh
ps. excuse this little miss angsty for the extreme use of vulgarities
So close..
Sunday, January 13, 2008♥
6-0 ♥ 5:19 PM
i like reminiscing about my saturday. how it started perfectly and ended so well. (even though i didnt want babyboy to go back to 12-1242.) usually i am fussy over how i spent my saturday. my expectation for every saturday is that it should be spent with a big bang, with chaos, crazy people, activities, dancing, watsoever. anything, anywhere but home. but yesterday i wanted so much to spend my saturday at home because i was so tired from friday's event. and babyboy decided to accompany me at home. he ended up sleeping here anyway, cos he slept through towards the end of the manchester united match. haha. (i think my sleeping pills work, ok part ni bedek) and i make him tepok and rub my back at 5 in the morning. the best remedy to my insomnia nights.
=) part feeling-feeling i shall not disclosed ofloveand-starcrossed strangers, only for babyboy to know. and i love him so much. yesterday makes me feel that we`re almost married
So close..
♥
crossroads ♥ 4:48 PM
almost half a month of has passed, and what can i say about my life? farhana's doing ok. so-so, and experiencing very abrupt changes in her emotions. its a wonder how the way i feel can go through a 180 degrees within seconds. there will be times when i am laughing like there's no tomorrow and the next second, i can just give you that evil glare or even worst, feel like ripping my heart out and crying my guts out. and after much thought, all i can come up with is that, i am under a lot of pressure.
sometimes i think that life would be much easier if people would hold back their judgements towards others, then this would really allow everyone the rights to their freedom of expression. people, especially me, would really feel much happier, doing things i rather enjoy rather than having sleepless nights thinking what my next step should be to ensure perfection. but again if this is really true and everyone were to follow this, then again, life wouldnt be as much easier. come to think of it. people's judgments and expectations of me are what form this body and soul. if no one was to direct me, then my life would definitely become haywire. right?
i always wanted to end 2007 on a happier note and begin it with a smile. i got what i wished for. but little did i expect that fate would play a cruel joke on me. again i wonder, how many hits do i really need before i get knocked down, and never wake up. growing up is always a painful process but i didnt expect myself to be worrying about my tomorrow endlessly. i always thought adulthood was the key to freedom, thus the rebellious behaviour that followed suit months ago. i wanted so much to show my parents that i was a girl who has hit the big 2-0, that i no longer need to be under their watchful eyes ALL the time, but i realised now, no matter how hard i try to break myself free from this cycle, i still find myself chained down. because this is my life. my fate. the one that was written so many years ago. then i realised, the faster i wanted to grow up and be free. the faster it is, that i am choking and actaully killing me.
now that i`ve lost almost everything and ruined the one thing that was going perfect for me, i find myself stuck at this crossroad. there is no turning back anymore. yet i find the road further down, appearing more hazy than it was ever before.
i need more signs.
So close..
♥
tick ♥ 10:45 AM
babyboy said he had a fruitful weekend. i couldnt agree more. this weekend was a very couple-y one with an extra dosage of our family each. i just came back from having a bowling activity with his family and relatives plus his two buddies. wahh piang. cant ask for more. initially, i wanted to concentrate on the geography tuition assignment which i was very excited about, but then i had to put that on hold.
despite the headache that i was having and the aircon over at occ, making it worst, i still enjoyed myself . its been a while since i laughed till my cheeks hurt. boy, it was a good and hearty laugh for me. and damn, babyboy's really good at bowling. according to the bet we made just now, hmm.. i do owe him something.
even with all the fun and laughter, i do feel a tinge of regret and guilt for not spending today with dad. well. you cant always have the best of both worlds right.
(love) rockstar 10:42:02pm
Nash is proud to say this, kau la segalanya!
(love) rockstar 10:44:00pm
And thank you for being awesome with me
seriously i keep thinking about marriage nowadays. the topic of marriage involving young couples used to turn me off, but i cant help it but wished that everything right now could go on smoothly for me. i used to dream of getting engaged by 23 and two years later tie the knot. but with babyboy, i know its impossible to do so. we`ve already set the target for 2015. i wished time would just pass faster or for any miracle to occur, to enable us to get married earlier. damn, this all sound so ridiculous but i guess this is falling in love and being very serious in a relationship. i have always loved my partners and love their families. but not this one. this is way better than any of them, way too comfortable for me to describe with words. its like i dont want to waste any more time, i just want to be married, live with him, and bear his kids. ahhhhhh.
patience is a virture and since i`ve always wanted the perfect fairytale ending, i guess now its time for me and babyboy to work work work our asses off for that. point to take note, that self-improvement is important because no one is perfect and every single day is a life lesson for us to better ourselves.
So close..
♥
1. ♥ 1:13 AM
any weak person in my shoes, would collapse and be dead right now. 4 fatal shots, yet im still standing still, alive and kicking. i asked babyboy, what was god's purpose in doing so. why four at one go. am i to still breathe till the tenth shot. because im trying so hard to stay alive in this game. if this is my fate, why does it have to be so cruel and so difficult.
and throughout this whole trying period, babyboy's the only supportive one. something that i am indeed very surprised by.
babyboy's fast asleep right now on the floor, feeling all comfy underneath my comforter and hugging the pillow. *grins widely babyboy mcm faham only nak watch the man u match. haha. daddy's snoring like a whale on the sofa and im waiting for mama's return from work. damn. everything is so picture perfect, like how i always thought about it and i never dreamt that a day like this would actually come true.
So close..
Thursday, January 10, 2008♥
7th day ♥ 11:36 PM
its been a week since her demise. too short a period but which seems like forever for the days to pass. her absence at home makes this small house too quiet. something that i've not been used to. and im trying hard to find all the excuses to stay out. yet at the same time, the strings to my heart are tugged at the presence of the other cat. at times i feel like a mother of two, who just lost her beloved child and now has to struggle to shower her love to the other, and trying hard not to be too overprotective. and at this, when the heart is actually yearning and mourning over the dead one. sleepless nights, and all the tears just thinking about her. regrets for taking things for granted, for i always thought she will lived to the day i got married. the subconcious mind will always stray when im deep in thoughts but i try hard to stop myself from picturing her lifeless form.
and yes, everything was a mistake. i made a mistake in misjudging people. especially bf. at the point of time when i feel like letting myself drop down from high above, i chose to do it out of my own accord. i realised that many hands were stretched out offering themselves to me, yet i chose to shut my eyes. i ignored the help given to me. it has been like this before, and maybe it will stay that way. the biggest mistake ever.
and indeed i am sorry for misjudging and mistreating bf in every sense.
So close..
Saturday, January 5, 2008♥
my precious ♥ 10:38 AM
in loving memory. always and forever.
i can still remember her birthday. by heart. and i know i`ll know it forever. i remembered the first time she was brought into this world. how excited the bunch of kids at school were, to the extent they video-ed the whole procedure. i remembered how i would go visit the whole family during my breaks, because she was one of the few that would take my time of smoking. the vigorous interviews, explainations, convincing just to have a roof over her head
i remembered how herman held the box while riding the fireblade. how i got angry because he said it was dangerous to do so, but i insisted still, and in the end, we did ferry her back to drive 73 on a fireblade because he knew i wanted to keep her so much
the scratching pole, on which she was able to climb up, and how i would be so proud of her each time she was able to balance herself on top of it.
the company she gave me throughout my a levels, how she would sit on my notes and start stratching and nibbling on them, just to distract me, and tell me to study her, instead of my notes. and the times she just had to irritate me by standing in front of the computer's monitor or on my laptop's keypad.
and yes, believe it or not, she needs a soft toy to sleep with. first it was the giraffe, our yjc mascot (the one sufyan black gave me), then it was mama's white teddybear, then it was farn's mr beans teddy. when i slept yesterday, i envisage hearing her soft snore, and light vibrations, signs to tell me that she needed the warmth of a human being. it amazed me how she would find her way through my comforters each night, and her favourite sleeping spot was my backside. the most heat i guess.
the best listening ear ever, because she never had anything to say back to me. all i needed was her pair of adoring blue eyes staring back at me each time i needed to cry my heart out.
she was there, through my worst period of times. 2007. she stayed through the whole painful year with me. 16 months.
why god. why did you let her leave in a painful way. is this retribution for all the mistakes that i committed?
milkshake, vanilla, just one of the first few names, she attended to. baby, putih. but pussy still remains.
So close..
Wednesday, January 2, 2008♥
woots ♥ 3:08 PM
after days of lazing around and doing stuffs that were oh-so-not practical, i finally found the inspiration and drive to post the first entry of the year. blogging is a wonder. there'll be times when i am so smgt to write a very long winded entry, too long that it puts my essay assignments in jc to shame, but there will be times when i am bitten by the lazy bug. and even when i have a lot on my mind, too much in fact, i just cant spit out the thoughts. farhana seeks perfection, and when it seems like perfection is just too tedious for a time to organise all my jumbled up thoughts, i totally give up the whole idea of blogging.
ahh. but, thou readers shall not be disappointed.
finally the end of painful 2007. there were just too many life-lessons to be learnt. and it seemed clear to me now, that i should really heed the advices given to me. unlike many bloggers who painstakingly have typed out a full whole year of their life stories, i wont do likewise. for me, the things that happened to me in 2007 were just too painful to share to many. and yes, i did write it down in a private journal, to serve as a token of reminder to myself.
painful things will always make a man a stronger one. hopefully farhana becomes one of that too. and this year, i am more than determined to work on my new year resolutions. =D
on a lighter note cheers to:-
my two most favourite boys.
lucky no 4.
HAPPY FIRST-MONTH.
though you can be a very (with a capital V) irritating person in the whole wide world, im so happy you`ve found someone you can call your other half. certainly beats the time you were all down and teary and un-manly.
So close..
Tuesday, January 1, 2008♥
dear god ♥ 4:01 PM
why am i subjected to so much pain in a short period of time. if this is god's way of teaching me to overcome my fears and weaknesses, hell no. i rather be crippled all my life. man can only bear so much pain inside of them. and definitely i am human.
sometimes it feels so much easier to wish one could sleep forever, but to actually do that, he needs all the courage to accomplish that task. its been so long that this ever cross my mind.
mr fireman says "go and sleep. or talk to nash. dont be alone. it kills. or sleep and wake up tmr morning."
but what should i do when the only strength i`ve ever had, i pushed it away because i wanted the best for my relationship (or so i thought that it would be wise to do so), and the only one remaining is having a jolly good time showing off his new baby to his group of friends.
why am i always tripping? give me answers god. before its too late.
So close..
in loving memory. always and forever. 
