today is the 25th of august. if you would have remembered, this is the moment where you said that you were just waiting for the time for me to go to msn, this is the period of time where i guessed we were just waiting for our fates to collide with one another. tomorrow will be the 26th of august, the first time we would chat on msn and thereafter, our lives intertwined. a year ago. hmm. i still keep our chat logs. every single conversations, every word typed, and when i read them i will definitely shed a tear nonetheless.
a year. how time passed by so fast, and i still find this unbelieveable. the way i had to beg you for your return, how i stoop that low and brush aside my ego, just to seek for your attention for a minute second. you know how hard it is for me to say sorry even in times of my mistakes, but why do i do this now? apologising when it was not my fault? if having to "buy" your attention and care is called love, maybe falling in love is indeed foolish.
ive been thinking hard since saturday, in solitrary silence, i prayed and questioned god, if my fate was with you, if i would end up marrying and carrying your child despite our family dispute, and god left me alone still. i am troubled but if my troubles will make you run away again, then i rather bottled them up to myself. and it seems like you only want to be around me once again for what i have now, and not for who i am.
i believe we still have to fill the big gaping hole in between us even before we can finally say we want to be together. and i know you will agree too. or maybe, you just dont want it anymore. so if that is true, pls tell me. so i dont keep living in a world of denial.
dear god, tell me what is love, because ive been blinded once. once bitten twice shy.
So close..
♥
1st Date with seth ♥ 2:31 AM
So close..
Wednesday, August 20, 2008♥
dear god. ♥ 11:45 PM
dear god, a mere human being can only take so much, and feel so much. how far more am i supposed to go. isnt it time that i see the light at the end of the journey. isnt it only fair for me to experience happiness once again, at least for longer time frames. dear god, i dislike the tests that you`re putting me through, because i dont want to fail anymore. having gone through it, i know how much it affected me, let alone others who claimed they cared for me. i need time to adapt, so please dont rush me with all these problems that you are throwing at me. im no miracle maker, i cannot come up with solutions just by a snap of the fingers. and yes dear god, i admit, i am exhausted. very exhausted.
dear god, i cant be everything else except for just a mere human being.
So close..
Wednesday, August 13, 2008♥
educating ♥ 11:23 PM
at the end of the day, im honestly glad that i have to wake up early every morning, because i get to see the kids faces. no matter how tired, worried and fucked up they can make me feel, at the end of the day, im happy hearing them calling my name. maybe this is the joy of educating. the rocky road yet at the same time, one can feel so at home.
i love you kids.
So close..
Monday, August 11, 2008♥
cylde to bonnie ♥ 2:14 PM
Actually, wad u say just nw struck me, and it struck me hard.. we're nt even together, why act lyke one? With the fightings and stuffs.. b, i undastand it all now. 10/08/08 15:20:38
Tat i cnt bear to lose u la piglete. Mwuah bite bite bite 10/08/08 15:22:34
So close..
Saturday, August 9, 2008♥
1 green bottle ♥ 11:59 PM
and suddenly i just had the urge to go for a drink. thank u "dm", "principal" & beloved "om" for the chillout session. kekek or what. and with heineken around, all the problems seemed to disappear into thin air. im a satisfied little girl as for now.
and apologies to those i didnt meet in the end. i just wasnt myself and i needed my space.
So close..
Friday, August 8, 2008♥
tag ♥ 10:27 AM
so much to say.
i dont think its nice to shout to people on the phone. i know you read my blog so ya. i hope you get it. i dont owe you anything and seriously, guys who act all indifferent towards girls in front of their friends are such big turn offs. no. i dont care if you like me or dont like me, i still think i deserve the respect as a friend at the very least. i can be so loud all the time, but this loud attitude is way different compared to the rude attitude you`re putting on, which by the way u think is super cool. whatever with a capital W. and again, im sorry to say this, even if one day i was to just walk away, then its never a loss to me to lose this friendship.
i thought i had you all along. and im just waiting patiently for that time where i want you so so much. i always tell myself im so comfortable in this state of ours. maybe because despite the fact we`re acting like we`re together, the official statement is not there. maybe thats what makes the both of us feel like we dont have to committed to anything. but i guess i rather be alone and not feeling anything. its scary because i was so damn pissed when you didnt call back. not the first, not the second, not the third. and i really feel like you only want me to be there with you at certain point of time. ok. i get it. gosh. pls dun tell me im falling for you.
ya im crapping again, but i guess this is how i want my life to be. not committed to anyone. because i cant. after nashrun. its like the final blow. and i tot i could like mr cinderella, but maybe no. we`re only at this stage, and im already feeling scared. i just dun want to spoil the relationship that we started with. i dunno. there's so many blank spaces between us. sigh.
no offence but i think Dbl O's range of r&b music really sucks. half the time i was not dancing, and i occupied myself by walking around looking for my friends. yet again, the company was awesome. thanks to muther, yana mummi and bf, nasrull and his bunch of friends, hakeem and the rest of people who happened to say hello. i was basically people hopping the whole night and it is really shocking to meet all those people from the past.
once a mat will always be a mat. i had a good time with nas, maybe because i miss campha so much and the fact that i cant be trance-ing in front and around the fire with him and joel and rashid anymore. and ive never bitch so much in one night, especially about two-faced hypocrite. baik or what. we really make good gay and lesbian's partners with all our weird dance moves on the podium. =D
and of all people to meet, i had to meet ALIFF!! i bet Fathiyah would be so damn glad if she was in my shoes. =D
yesterday night happened to be quite awkward too.
meeting johnny and nazwan (nash's gotham brothers)
meeting alfonso ( nash's buddy)
meeting awul (nash's younger brother!!)
haha. but i think they are super nice people to say hello and catch up on things. im not a flirt because i believe i have every right to be seen with anyone or to be in such a place when nash is in camp. seriously but i guess all of them knew it already. see nash, it doesnt really matter anymore right. like i said, no matter how many times you say you`re still trying to find me, youve got to be honest with yourself. the question is, how much effort would you put in to find me or best still, do u honestly even want to do it? it amazes me how i get all the inspirations and answers in all the weird places. first it was paul van dyke at zouk. september 2007. less than a year, yesterday night was like a closure for both nash and myself. its gonna be weird, but i still love his family all the same.
how apt. every single word in the song. and its really a pity to have to be the one going through all this. and i thought we had everything going on for us. so much for all the promises not to let go and i still remember every word or promise you made. everything. again, when finally you bare everything for the one you truly love, he again, pits ur weakness against you.
So close..
Thursday, August 7, 2008♥
im a happy person ♥ 3:27 PM
im loving my sec 2 classes. yesterday lessons were fulfilling i believe. i apologised if the presentation was very boring. if i as the teacher find it very boring, what more the students right. anyway, told them to be prepared for a week of videos on sex education. hah!
there was this particular boy from 2a1 who said, "wow, ms farhana's notes very good leh" and when i asked them whether they need notes for other chapters, there were positive responses. "cher, everything also can lah, ur notes very good leh" -smiles widely-
i thank you god for giving me the patience and strength to withstand 2 whole weeks of sleepless nights. This is indeed a record, not sleeping, working for almost 21 whole hours, not drinking redbull, and lastly with my mind constantly on the treadmill. looks like i have to burn the midnight oil again. 3 more weeks and its hip hip hooray-everybody dance now. haha!
So close..
Wednesday, August 6, 2008♥
yes. ♥ 6:27 PM
I always tell my students that life is unfair. and yet i myself find it very hard to give in to this notion. We as mere human beings with no special powers whatsoever just have to resign ourselves to fate and have to accept whatever that has been bestowed unto us. No matter how hard we try to fight for something, we will always end up with what has been written in the books of fate. Now then, we'll start asking, wouldnt it be good and life will be much easier if this book of fate is available at Popular bookstores, Kinokuniya etc. Then we wouldnt hope so much for something that we will never get in the end. well. that's life i guess.
For those who are wondering how Farhana has been after leaving life as a camp instructor, well. life has been hard, and the going is getting tougher i foresee. This is just putting my love life aside. For me i believe that this is indeed the time when i should stop mistreating many others. I dun want to be unfair to those who think they can have something going on with me. STOP! because honestly, i really dont have much to give anymore, be it my affection, time, money, happiness and what every girlfriend should give to their other half. I will just save this for that very very special someone in the future. snorts snorts grunts grunts
Why am i so busy all the time? I dont think i owe anyone any explainations because
this is my life
this is not your life
i choose my life to be this way
again, i wish it didnt have to end up this way
It is not that i am a very boring person because i
dont ton
dont head to town every other day
dont lepak everyday
dont talk on the phone till 5am and then get ready for work
dont reply to msg/ seng msg
I wish i have all the time in the world. I admit i am envious of those who have so much time till all that is said is "im bored", "boredom kills" "this is what you do when boredom gets the better of you......................" etc. i want to know what it feels like to say that.
For the benefits of friends of whom i owe countless dates, meetups, gatherings and just normal slacking lepaking time, i am a soul-less robot taking shelter in Farhana's body. I teach sec 1 tech, sec 2 acad sec 4 tech maths and science in the morning, i juggle 2 to 3 tuitions in the afternoon till night and lastly, i have my night lessons at SIM on tuesdays and thursday. I have lesson plans worksheets powerpoint slides tests books to read assignments to complete. Take that. And if that is still hard to imagine, just understand this part. Farhana is very very busy and yet still tries to take every effort to make everyone smile.
Again i believe that the remaining time available if there is in the first place, (and for your information, this only happens if suddenly a tutee happily decides to cancel tuition last min,) i rather spend it beneficially with loved ones or just mere catching up with very good old friends. It doesnt matter if i dont have or never will have time for myself. as long as others are happy, then i will be smiling. yes, this may sound so boring but i guess that is what happens when you`re a grown up. You just view life differently. You work hard, too hard in fact, and at the end of the day, when it's time to let down your hair, you enjoy and party hard the way it should be. then life is indeed deserving no matter how unfair it is.
So close..
Sunday, August 3, 2008♥
dont sway ♥ 10:03 PM
i remembered the day i ran away from home. A thousand times you called me, but i just ignored. I hated home then. I hated those two then. I wanted to get away, I wanted to get hold of my life, to be free from responsibilities. Most importantly, i wanted every right to govern my own life. I was 20 then. Six storeys high i stood on that rooftop, thinking i was safe and sheltered. When i finally answered your call, there were so many things that we compromised about. But the one i remembered the most was the one where you made sure that dad promised that he'll never beat me up. and true to his words, he didnt. From that incident alone, i was glad, for i was certain, i had found my superman. You were my superman then. All the incidents thereafter, i stayed committed to that acknowledgement. When you needed me to carry out my sisterly responsibility, i did it with utmost sincerity. But look at you now. I just wish you would realise how changed you are. How different you've been in a matter of months. And i wish you knew how much i am in need of my brother. I really miss you.
So close..
Friday, August 1, 2008♥
boo ♥ 4:51 AM
i miss everything about campha. =( i wanna do camps.
my first ever campfire with campha and yes, i look retarded because ive not bathed and i dont even know the dancesteps. BUT. who cares. =D
So close..
WELCOME♥
"Two, two silhouettes in a room
Almost obscurred by the gloom.."
Two Cigarettes in the Dark
-P.F. Webster, L. Pollack
THE BELLE♥
They call me Farhana. I still suffer from bullimia. I am a small girl, with mega huge dreams. Pursuing a double major in English and English Literature. Though educating runs in my blood, i am very intent to fly. I have high hopes to conquer the eight wonders of the world. Other than classic Shakespeare tragedies, i am passionate about performing arts. Though i can be a girly-girl at times, i like to get rough and sweat under the blazing sun. I love indo flicks, esp sappy love ones. I love kids. I would love to hunt down animal abusers. oooh, yes, I am your average Gemini. and lastly, if there are things called amour and faith, please help me believe in them.
