Monday, February 4, 2008♥
- ♥ 10:22 PM
I dont understand why people love so much to put others in a spot.
First it was the tuition coordinator who didnt understand the meaning of not being free. Why did i even give in to her demands in the end.
Secondly. My boyfriend. Why didnt he even have the initiative to offer to help me print my stuffs knowing i had so little time to accomplish a great deal of work. Why is it so hard to understand that things are not like last time, whereby i cant easily get out of the house. Why is it so important to go to his house, knowing that i lived in Admiralty and his house is situated in Yishun, what more it takes a whole 30 minutes for me to travel because his blk is inaccessible. Its not that im even giving excuses not to go there, but its because of the time constraint. Why couldnt he be the one to initiate the idea of him printing and passing the stuffs to me so at least i can make a trip to anywhere near to photostet after that. Im not even asking for much, and i dont even ask for help from him most of the time.
But what remained in my mind was when he said "Bila I lapar semalam ada u buat pape?" Wow. That statement really hit bulleyes. Such a baseless and false accusation, but though i kept quiet, my emotions were raging. Like they always say, people are always taking granted of the ones most precious to them and they will never see the goodness in others. It didnt matter that he was very dependent on me to do things for him, and i had usually put him top priority because i always thought my help was most important for him to reach his goals. But all that meant nothing when he couldnt even do anything i ask him to. watever.
and tell me, seriously update what? im the one sitting at home right now while you`re the one outside. so who should do the updating? and i cant possibly wait for you to come home every night before we have our daily routine (which is by the way talking on the phone till we fall asleep) when you`re out jolly jolly having a merry good time with your friends almost every other night.
Third. My mom. Maybe whatever complains that i have about her will just continue. Whatever. If she wants me to pay for my own stuffs so be it. Guess i`ll have to wait.
sigh.
Maybe i just missed my old old life, like really really yearn for the past, where im pampered by every single one, and that includes farn. I will always get every single thing that I want. and very quickly too. Leading an adult life is so horrible, because i have to struggle for everything. its like a young bird which made its first successful flight, yet a few seconds later, abandoned by the mother. Though you are given the time to make decisions, you have to use every ounce of energy to fend for yourself to ensure you`re still alive the next day. Now its more of the survival of the fittest. and this time round, no more free goodies for me. Im so afraid to open up my heart and reveal the insides because im not sure if the boyfriend will understand. people hardly understand you, and they wont bother to decipher your thoughts. Its definitely easier when things get bottled up.
i want and really need a boyfriend who will make me feel like i dun need anyone else, not even my parents, because at this point of time, i really am sure i have no one to depend on. When at first, i had a taste of independence after the departure of mr fireman, i am quite elated. I was
rejoicing. But i realise right now, the weight of this burden is really holding me down. I wish i had someone, who truly understand and can feel this pain and the saltiness of the tears that are flowing at this point of time. I wish the boyfriend was a more responsible person, taking the lead more often than i do. because i definitely miss the times when i was busy following instead of doing the leading. I want to have that confidence and trust in a boyfriend the way i should, knowing he can make the right kind of decisions for me, and also to be able to make me do something, and even when it turns out wrong, i am not able to blame him, because whatever it is, he is still right. No matter how simple i crave for my life to be, i have to accept that life right now, in this generation or in the years to come will never be easy for anyone, not just us,
and i wish that my boyfriend will understand that. maybe i just want my boyfriend to understand, i have no one else but him. i am no one else's princess but his.
ultimately, i have to wake up from my dreamland. storytelling is over.
So close..
