Friday, May 30, 2008♥
jobs jobs jobs ♥ 11:35 PM
Today was a fruitful day for me. I managed my time well enough such that i went out with mama, babyboy as well as settled my job applications.
I was very keen to hold a permanent part time sales job at Cotton On. Its been a week plus but the manager has yet to call me. The super flexible working hours plus the great pay for part-timers made me pin high hopes on it to a point where i rejected an interview for Club 21. one of the prestigious company that anyone would die for, and yet i stupidly rejected it because i didnt want a job that would affect my tuition schedule. i felt so stupid, two weeks after this incident happened, because now i realised, that putting priority towards my tuition is so worthless. The parents of my tutees simply put off tuition schedule, for god knows what.
Today i applied for Hula & Co. and Crumpler. I feel more confident for crumpler. The store owner was friendlier, and she did asked me questions based on my availability. Im crossing my fingers right now. i dont care if i have to work 24hours, just as long as i am out of the house and am super busy to worry about anything and at the same time, have money just for my survival. I am grateful for the boy who sent me to and from, from town to choa chu kang to yishun and back to admiralty. wahhh. and oil price keeps rising.
Nashrun to Farhana
Pls takmu jadi pemalas, ape rezeki yg ade grab je while waiting for u nak tgu2 for a perfect job. Kalau nk ikotkn gaji camp lagi kecik n lambat. Pls think. At least da start sch still can wrk, sikit2 pun atleast ade support. These r all advices that my parents will msg me. Regard it as ibu msg u, to help ur own self bcos she loves u, rmbr nobody can help u most but urself, we can only advice n support ok dear. Like now, i am only supporting u but when can it last kan? Ppl have their own debts n probs too kan dear. I hope u think abt this, its for ur own gd, nite dear.
Whatever that was written in that particular msg is indeed true. All along ive been waiting for a job that i deemed as worthy and has good returns, yet it isnt coming. I feel so indebted to the boy, because he has been the one to provide me with transportation money, and he always makes sure that i have eaten. Even with the small amount of money that he earned plus the unsettled debts, he still tried so hard to support me. And i keep trying to find faults with him.
bad bad farhana. I really need to wake up, and be a better person. Chase after unfulfilled dreams, and really achieve them.
So close..
Thursday, May 29, 2008♥
the aftermath ♥ 8:07 PM
i cant quite understand myself. the more i want to solve this problem, the more i feel like it is getting even more complicated. come to think of it, it was never his fault in the first place. it is more like mine, that after all these years and what i had gone through before, the emotions accumulate, and i am so afraid to know the truth about me. i dun want to change people nor want them to adjust themselves just for my sake. But the truth is i really miss being the main priority of the boy.
Farhana to Nashrun
i miss the old times, the old nashrun, the old us. Now it feels like ive nothing to fight for. This relationship means nothing now. Everytime i feel so angry so ignored. U always want me to prove myself, but i dun feel anything from u, therefore i dun even have the smgt to do it.
i keep reminding him about how much i missed everything that happened eight months ago. the sweet beginnings. he was a totally different person back then who reacted in a different manner when exposed in situations. but now i realised, no matter how hard and loud i whine, things will remain as it is, or even worst, the state that we`re in just get worst. i can never get back what i once back, maybe this is what time does to people. change them.
i still remember the promise that i made to him, about how i wanted to change. i was dead serious about it, but a lot of times, there are things which held me back. I always feel like its not worthy to do so much for this relatioonship. This worries me so much, because it means that im no longer committed into this relationship. however so, the boy is still the one that i want.
i am scared. maybe its time, i put the boy aside and gather back as many friendships that are hanging by loose ends. put my life back on track. family work friends. most importantly school which is starting in august. main thing is, get busy. so i dont think much. like how i did it with herman, maybe its time i do it once more. never shed a single tear, when me and herman broke up, because i got myself busy.
humans are ugly creatures. they never realised that when they're pointing their index finger at someone, the remaining four fingers are pointing back at them.
So close..
Saturday, May 24, 2008♥
- ♥ 4:08 AM
ive never felt this alone. the sense of security that used to cover me up is totally not there. hmm
So close..
Sunday, May 18, 2008♥
! ♥ 1:06 AM
when i needed someone the most, were you there for me? you used your family against me. how could you. you`re the one person i thought i had, but you just stab me in the back. fuck, you are my fucking bf, for fucks sake
So close..
Friday, May 2, 2008♥
dbl o ♥ 12:16 AM
my heart actually says no. but i wouldnt admit it. now im crying. i hope the night passed faster. i hope nothing bad happens.
So close..
