Saturday, March 29, 2008♥
- ♥ 9:18 PM
if i had one wish, it would be for all our dreams and hopes to come true.
So close..
♥
- ♥ 2:29 PM
today i woke up feeling more lethargic than ever. now i know that this always happens after a night of action-packed dream. this incident is recurring eversince suicidal thoughts reappear in my mind. maybe this blog will be a memoir about the last days of farhana. and when i finally have an A* plan to the end of my life or i have gathered enough courage to take my own life, then that will be the end of aimer-le-folie.
living and breathing the air has no meaning anymore. that's what it seems. perhaps, this is how my fate is towards the end, totally opposite of what i envisage. wake up, housework, eat, pray, staring at the walls, thinking, dreaming, more praying, crying, and finally sleeping. i want to feel angry and shout at, i want to start a war, but somehow, i have lost all the motivation to even do that, to do the one thing that i loved most, to plot against my parents. i am frustated at how my life turns out to be but the more i want to point my fingers at anyone, the more i know that i only have myself to blame. dreadful indeed.
i want to run away, far far away, be reborn, be mistake-less, sin-less and everything else like a newborn baby. but i`ve lost that drive to do so. the aspirations that i once had, they appear to be moving shadows now, not even staying for a bit longer. passing by like the moving fluffy clouds in the sky. a place they say is a haven, seems more torturous than a torture chamber. i can feel the walls and ceiling of my room caving in.
i want to cut myself to death, like the typical teenage girls who self-mutilate themselves, but i am afraid of blood. i want to jump of from my bedroom window, but im afraid of having my head smashed against the cold cemented ground. i want to swallow pills and die of overdosed, but i`ve yet to find the money to get the pills. maybe soon enough.
no i dont want to study, i dun want to slog my guts out, working hard only to feel more unappreciated. but if that is the only way to free myself from the clutches of my parents, then i would do it. and definitely i am not going to teach. because i want to displease my parents. i will make sure i become a flight stewardess, so i will hardly be at home.
because home is hell.
So close..
Friday, March 28, 2008♥
- ♥ 11:56 PM
the aftermath is horrible. nash didnt really get it. im only doing it for his own happiness. i dun want him to be trap in my situation. if only he understood my intentions. seriously it is not fair for him having to feel like it. it hurts me so much that we cant meet as usual and spend long hours like previous times. even going out is a rare chance for me, definitely how can we possibly meet. and how can two people who are not supposed to meet each other be in a relationship.
come on nash, think about it, if u would just be in a different relationship then u wouldnt have to feel like this all the time. i want to much to make u happy but it seems impossible when i cant even go out with you. i feel so sad and sucky everytime you plan to go out, i just cant. i definitely dun even want to try to ask my parents because just the thought of having to irks me. i feel so pressurized each time this subject pops up time and again.
i slammed the door in his face, and i definitely felt bad. it breaks my heart even more, knowing im breaking his heart. loving someone does not equal to hurting someone, and definitely i went beyond the limits yesterday. i wish he hate me or so.
im sorry
i ended up at jalan kayu for supper yesterday with kak wid and family. memories etched in my mind. i could visualize that night when i came there with nash, and his two buddies, wan and johnny. oh god, im tearing up again. why is this so hard. i want so much for him to forget me and move on. i want him to be happier. but im still holding on. holding on strongly to whatever we once had.i dont want to hope anymore. my dad wont forgive him. thats what he said. which i think is utter rubbish. even a criminal like him gets second chance, what more a boy who is growing up.
fuck.
So close..
Tuesday, March 25, 2008♥
- ♥ 3:53 PM
Its really disheartening when day and night comes and i have yet to hear from any company. seriously, everyday, i would wake up and check the classifieds and the internet, as well as apply for various jobs. I really need the money to support myself. God is really unfair. I pray to repent for my mistakes yet God is hardly helping me. i want to work. I dun care if i have to work 24 hrs, as long as im out of the house.
Babyboy, has been very supportive towards me. His words of encouragement is the major reason I smile everyday. His words calm never fail to come me down and even though they are not the best advices that i have ever heard, i always look forward to hearing to wat he is gonna say. After saturday night's wee morning call, i really feel like there`s no turnings or directions in my life. But again, babyboy saved the day.
So close..
Monday, March 24, 2008♥
when doing things ♥ 1:01 PM
One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone. Do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
So close..
Friday, March 21, 2008♥
and all the drama. ♥ 12:39 PM
four days in all. thats the exact figure that i would not be seeing babyboy. and how do i feel. extremely a pain in my heart. im not exaggerating. because that is what i truly feel when i dont get to meet him. its really sad because once upon a time ago, we planned for this weekend. i already made plans to bring him along to changi with me. its more disheartening because a certain girl will be there. isnt life unfair and all. but what can i do with my position. born as an accidental child, and even worse as a girl, what claims do i have over my life?. well, this is my fate i guess. to my dearest babyboy. im sorry once again because you have to go through all this unnecessary circumstances. circumstances that you wouldnt have to go through if i was a different girl. i wanted so much to tell you yesterday night, to make that move to go away once again. i dun want you to feel what i feel inside. all the pain, the lonliness, and the longing. im sorry. i certainly wish you have fun during this weekend. i`ll always wish for you to be my side. no matter what happends, you`ll always be in my mind. in my heart.ku pejamkan mata, kau hadir di sisi
ku hulurkan tangan, kau sambut dengan kasih
tenangkanlah hatimu agar bisa ku senyum
pejamkanlah matamu jika rindukan wajahku
i love you.
So close..
Wednesday, March 19, 2008♥
beats merchant ♥ 8:13 PM
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
-Jean Anouilh
I cant help it but realized that indeed love is a special thing, or perhaps, more specifically an emotion. It is a powerful gift bestowed to mankind, and is present in all man. It is the one main thing that drives a person to live and fight for his life. How we use that gift differs. How strong, passionate, or even weak, the love in us would depend on how much effort we put in. Without effort, the end result would never be sweet. It would be wrong to actually say that in this generation or at this particular time, love cease to exist in a relationship between a man and a woman. How can a relationship possibly work if we based it on our needs for inanimate objects that does not exist forever? All the words sprouted from my father's mouth were mere bullshit, and nothing would ever change my perception or the way i should feel.
Though today was an all girls day for me and an all boys day for babyboy, i made my way to beats merchant after our failed suntanning session. Seeing him in his all white shirt and jeans just made my heart skipped a beat for a moment. When i opened the door to the recording room, I didnt see my boyfriend. I only saw his twin cousins. My heart beat very fast when he walked beside me to Kampong Glam Cafe. Its a feeling that was never lost, and i believe that this feeling will stay. I want to believe that anyway. Its been a long time, someone stole my heart this way. And want me to stay for long. I like having my meals when he is around. The coonversations we have over meals are always interesting.
It's hard always wanting to stay around him, and time is never on my side. The moment we`re together, time seems to pass faster. No matter what, we`re taking this opportunity to be a pair of more matured individuals. We`re learning from our past mistakes. and though this is a very bad ordeal for the both of us, i believe that it is an educational one. In the past i used to promise him that i would learn to appreciate his efforts more, but it never seemed to work. well in this case, the silver lining behind the grey clouds is that we`re appreciative of each other's presence now. The moment we`re together, we would spend it like it is our last moments together. But the best thing is that, when i feel angry inside towards him, i calm myself down by telling myself that i might never see him tomorrow. It's hard to find a farhana that you see now in the years before 2008. But this is what love mould me into.
So close..
