Sunday, January 13, 2008♥
crossroads ♥ 4:48 PM
almost half a month of has passed, and what can i say about my life? farhana's doing ok. so-so, and experiencing very abrupt changes in her emotions. its a wonder how the way i feel can go through a 180 degrees within seconds. there will be times when i am laughing like there's no tomorrow and the next second, i can just give you that evil glare or even worst, feel like ripping my heart out and crying my guts out. and after much thought, all i can come up with is that, i am under a lot of pressure.
sometimes i think that life would be much easier if people would hold back their judgements towards others, then this would really allow everyone the rights to their freedom of expression. people, especially me, would really feel much happier, doing things i rather enjoy rather than having sleepless nights thinking what my next step should be to ensure perfection. but again if this is really true and everyone were to follow this, then again, life wouldnt be as much easier. come to think of it. people's judgments and expectations of me are what form this body and soul. if no one was to direct me, then my life would definitely become haywire. right?
i always wanted to end 2007 on a happier note and begin it with a smile. i got what i wished for. but little did i expect that fate would play a cruel joke on me. again i wonder, how many hits do i really need before i get knocked down, and never wake up. growing up is always a painful process but i didnt expect myself to be worrying about my tomorrow endlessly. i always thought adulthood was the key to freedom, thus the rebellious behaviour that followed suit months ago. i wanted so much to show my parents that i was a girl who has hit the big 2-0, that i no longer need to be under their watchful eyes ALL the time, but i realised now, no matter how hard i try to break myself free from this cycle, i still find myself chained down. because this is my life. my fate. the one that was written so many years ago. then i realised, the faster i wanted to grow up and be free. the faster it is, that i am choking and actaully killing me.
now that i`ve lost almost everything and ruined the one thing that was going perfect for me, i find myself stuck at this crossroad. there is no turning back anymore. yet i find the road further down, appearing more hazy than it was ever before.
i need more signs.
So close..
