Saturday, March 29, 2008♥
- ♥ 2:29 PM
today i woke up feeling more lethargic than ever. now i know that this always happens after a night of action-packed dream. this incident is recurring eversince suicidal thoughts reappear in my mind. maybe this blog will be a memoir about the last days of farhana. and when i finally have an A* plan to the end of my life or i have gathered enough courage to take my own life, then that will be the end of aimer-le-folie.
living and breathing the air has no meaning anymore. that's what it seems. perhaps, this is how my fate is towards the end, totally opposite of what i envisage. wake up, housework, eat, pray, staring at the walls, thinking, dreaming, more praying, crying, and finally sleeping. i want to feel angry and shout at, i want to start a war, but somehow, i have lost all the motivation to even do that, to do the one thing that i loved most, to plot against my parents. i am frustated at how my life turns out to be but the more i want to point my fingers at anyone, the more i know that i only have myself to blame. dreadful indeed.
i want to run away, far far away, be reborn, be mistake-less, sin-less and everything else like a newborn baby. but i`ve lost that drive to do so. the aspirations that i once had, they appear to be moving shadows now, not even staying for a bit longer. passing by like the moving fluffy clouds in the sky. a place they say is a haven, seems more torturous than a torture chamber. i can feel the walls and ceiling of my room caving in.
i want to cut myself to death, like the typical teenage girls who self-mutilate themselves, but i am afraid of blood. i want to jump of from my bedroom window, but im afraid of having my head smashed against the cold cemented ground. i want to swallow pills and die of overdosed, but i`ve yet to find the money to get the pills. maybe soon enough.
no i dont want to study, i dun want to slog my guts out, working hard only to feel more unappreciated. but if that is the only way to free myself from the clutches of my parents, then i would do it. and definitely i am not going to teach. because i want to displease my parents. i will make sure i become a flight stewardess, so i will hardly be at home.
because home is hell.
So close..
